One of many could have been’s…

I first met Sarah in Junior College. We met Sarah though Kelsey who was often in the Valley to see her Grandparents. Kelsey would bring her sorority sisters to party with us at JD’s. Sarah showed interest in my cousin Addison at first before figuring out how full of shit he was. Through the many adventures Sarah and her girlfriends took to La Junta, we began to talk a lot. She loved how sporadic we were, everything from hunting, fishing, camping, parties, and chores. I took her to my first concert to see Lady Gaga in Denver which we both enjoyed. Visiting Sarah in Colorado Springs was always an adventure for our group who had never seen many of the things she grew up with. Living on a golf course was very different and fun to experience. We all began to grow into a great network of friends. Her parents embraced us and enjoyed how different we were from their usual way of living. Sarah and I began officially dating sometime in 2009 with an unclear official end. I’m still not sure things have ended. In my eyes I was never ready for anything official. I was a young man ready to experience new things at the University. My love for Sarah was nevermore apparent until my Brother died in 2011. Sarah was right there for me when I needed her most. I never fully embraced her because being around death so close to me was something I had never seen. It turns out my first reaction to death is anger, and numbness. All my visible feelings were muted and held inside. The death of my Brother changed my outlook on many things included being “locked,” down. I didn’t go crazy and do whatever I wanted, but I sure didn’t want to commit with anything that would hold me back in case I found something of interest. Whether good or bad, I still have a huge problem making commitments in a relationship. At that time, I did not regret the lack of commitment to others. This proved to unlock many doors that have made me into a very unique person. In 2012 Sarah moved from her teaching job in Pueblo, to Soldotna, Alaska. I later found out this move was to escape her love for me. I never would have thought she couldn’t move on without changing her entire lifestyle. In Alaska she experience everything that an outdoors man could enjoy. I’m sure she thought of me often in her new adventures. Sarah found a part-time job and made new friends. One of them she married yesterday. I was always ignorant and thought maybe Sarah and I could get back together. She moved back to her home in Colorado Springs in the summer of 2014. When she got home we found ourselves running into each other. I loved catching up with Sarah and hearing about her adventures. I was even interested in the new man she came to love. At the end of the day, all I wanted was her friendship. During that summer Sarah and I were at a music festival with her family. Everyone had a great time; with music, with drinks, and with each others company. Her parents took me back to my studio in Pueblo. Sarah followed me inside to use the bathroom and say her final goodbye for the night. Before Sarah could leave she had to ask me. I can’t quote our conversation but Sarah was looking for a reason to pursue her love that she still had for me. I couldn’t do it though. I could not give her a reason to reignite her passion that she once had for me. That moment in the stairwell of 1st and Grand will stay with me forever. It was that moment that Sarah knew she had to move on. Everything in me wanted to tell Sarah what I truly felt, but I knew if I did she find a way to find love with me again. This is why I’m writing this post. I have to tell someone how I really feel. Sarah was my first love. I still love her and I always will. If things would have happened at a later time in our lives I think that we would end up together forever. I love the fact that Sarah knows who I really am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. She knows it all, and that is why I will forever have ea love for her.

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