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Beginning Again

I promised myself I would sit down today and write again. I am not sure if I will find my words today, or tomorrow but, I know I have to find them. I have to figure out a way to release everything that has been building and pent up these past 12 months now. The puppy is occupied with the bone I bought for him this morning and a cup of hot tea is sitting beside me – waiting for me to get this project started.

I am not sure how to even get going, where to start, what to say, but I know that this year has not been kind to me and drowning my sorrows in bottles of wine whenever I can afford to isn’t helping me move forward. No matter how enjoyable and relaxing it is to sip on a fine red in my favorite glass.

In the first four months of this year I gave up my apartment to move in with the love of my life as we discovered we were expecting a baby. A week prior to moving day we learned we had lost the baby (my first) but, the train was already in motion and my notice had been given and R assured me he still wanted us to keep trying and build a life together. Within two months of living together I suspected something was amiss as his behavior had radically altered from who he was all those months before living together. There was a little change in him prior but, I chalked it up to his being comfortable in the relationship and no longer needing to account for every second by being by my side. It wasn’t long after that I discovered he was having an affair with a fellow co-worker. I was, am, devastated. For the first time in my life I had a family with him and his daughter. We shared a home, hopes, dreams, and love. So much love. I was determined not to lose any of it. He begged me not to go, shamefully admitting his actions were selfish but, that he couldn’t imagine a life without me in it. We laid down some ground rules about what needed to happen to work through this tragedy. A week later he left me home alone and spent the night with her. Mustering up all the strength and dignity I had I quietly packed my belongings and moved home. I thought I wouldn’t last through the tears and heartbreak on that drive up the interstate.

Somewhere in there when I discovered about the affair, I found myself in my company car emotionally distraught and still feeling the affects from the drinks we had at dinner prior to our fight that night. I found myself in handcuffs, crying miserable about my misfortune with R and the embarrassment of being in trouble for the first time in my entire life, and in company property no less.

I was very fortunate that after the police officer took me to the station he let me tell him the story of the evening and he let a friend come get me. Nothing was ever filed and I walked away from the most humiliating moment of my entire life unscathed – record wise. The company I worked for was incredibly compassionate and kept me on the payroll until I found another job, they were fully aware of what was going on in my personal life and very patient while R and I tried to work through things.

I found a small house back in the town I was in prior to moving in with R, and a job at a small printing company. I still find myself battling the loss of him and his daughter. The loss of the life I saw us having and the life I lost inside of me. Sometimes I wonder if the pain I bare on a daily basis will ever ease but, it hasn’t seem to yet. He married the girl he was cheating on me with – made this decision when they discovered she was pregnant back in June. I guess it doesn’t look well for two middle school teachers to make a baby and not be married.

He still tries to maintain contact with me, and I struggle to not respond to him. It physically kills me inside that he is living a life with some one else that was meant for me. He admits the same struggle, claims he doesn’t love her like he does me and he hates that his actions led him down this path and into a bed he doesn’t want to lay in. Yet he does, nightly.

You know, some days I come to terms with it. I think, “Today is going to be a good day. It’s going to be a day where I don’t cry on my way to work. He isn’t renting space in my soul anymore. That strong woman you were before all of this happened is still in there, she’s in you. Let go of the rest..” I do it too. Days go by, and the pain seems to dissipate some, and I feel my strength regaining, I feel the power and confidence I had before I met him and while I was with him. He senses it though. As soon as I reach that point he shows up at my door, calls, or texts…makes every effort to remind me of how much I long for him still, no matter how unhealthy it is or how undeserving he is of that kind of devotion.

All that sense of assurity and self confidence is replaced with sadness, anger, and loneliness. Again, remembering I was replaced with some one else yet again by a man in my life. Father figures, romantic partners, just take everything I have to offer, my goodness, my loyalty, my patience, my love…and when they’ve refueled they just…go away…I kept myself so guarded and closed off from men for that reason. R and I battled in the beginning because I was so stubborn and reserved..but, then I let go, and let myself love him after time. I don’t understand his purpose. To make me fall like that and for it to mean nothing, and be worth nothing to him when it was so important in the beginning.

It has all happened now. The storm has passed and I am left standing in this rubble  to rebuild with seemingly no one around to help do the heavy lifting. I spend more time standing around wondering how I am going to get the job done and becoming saddened by the fact I have no idea where to start. What piece to pick up, which ones that are irreparable and need to be thrown away, which ones are still salvageable.

I lost myself in my love for him and his daughter and life is so empty without them in it. I come home from work, there’s no them to greet me, no laughter or silly moments, no struggling to get his daughter to do her laundry, no one to cook for, no one to smile at from across the room. I didn’t need them in my life to be happy, they just were my happiness.

So this starting over, finding happiness again is tough. I know I am better off without someone like him in my life, he would never change, he hasn’t changed if he’s still trying to keep me on the back burner when he has a wife and a baby on the way. I don’t doubt that he loves me and regrets what he’s done every day but, he didn’t love me enough. I guess that’s the hardest thing to deal with.

It feels good to get the words out. Maybe I will walk away from this entry feeling a tad lighter in my burdens. I know I am capable of finding myself again, I just have to buckle down and get to work. Think I will start with this piece right here.

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any” – Alice Walker

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