For the longest time, I let anorexia control my life. In high school, numbers were always on my mind; everything from drinks to snacks between meals. While I was deployed, I counted calories again, this time creating a system to monitor the numbers and codes to ensure that only I could understand the level of hell I was living in.
It has been two years since my deployment and everyday I still struggle with falling victim to anorexia. It wasn’t until recently that I sat down and read my diaries from overseas. I cried. I cried because I focused on numbers instead of soaking up every memory of my deployment. I cried because I read stories from a fun and energetic women turn into stressed and tired rants. I cried more than anything for the fact that I never considered myself to be good enough. No number was low enough, no amount of days skipping meals would be satisfying.
It was after reading my diaries that I decided I would no longer let numbers control my thoughts and actions. From then on, I vowed to forever focus on strength and fitness instead of numbers and being skinny.
Which is what brings me here. It is so easy for me to slip back into old habits but I believe that recording my days will only encourage me to do better and stick to my promise. Who knows, along the way I may meet friends that find this to be motivation for themselves. Maybe, just maybe I can help someone else realize that counting calories and skipping meals does not have to control their life.