Hello again little Journal friend. It’s been a little while since I have written here. I guess things were swimming along there for awhile in a pretty good place. Just went out for a long walk which gave me some fresh air and time to think by myself. I am scared and afraid. That I will let people down if something goes wrong. That this is a huge responsibility – what if I fail? That I don’t know what I will do if something goes wrong. That this could be our only chance. That this is too good to be true. That this is the most intense thing my body could go through – will it handle it? Will I be enough?
I read an article today (maybe in hindsight I shouldn’t have) about a young Mum who died in childbirth and who’s baby died at 4 days old. What if something like this happened to us. I’m scared of death and dying. Reading that kind of brought me back to earth. I don’t want to get over-excited or emotionally invested in what is happening right now for fear that something will happen and it will be taken away so quickly. To reach this point has taken years and I feel like I should be enjoying it….but I’m not really right now….I feel like that is such a terrible thing to say. It makes me feel really bad. Not because I don’t want this but because of how I think I would be if things didn’t go to plan. I know that is alot of ‘what-ifs’…but…so be it – it is what it is. Walking has helped clear my head and surprisingly the sick feeling in my stomach that is arriving each night. I feel like I should be losing weight – dinners are repulsive at the moment and I swear I would forget my head if it wasn’t screwed on…I feel ridiculously dumb and stupid at the moment. What are you doing to Mama-Bear Bubby J? Oh yeah… tomorrow I will be six weeks pregnant.