understanding

A rock and a hard place Dec. 2, 2015

Hi My name is Amanda, I am 31 years old. I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety but I also have ADHD was diagnosed at 6 years old and Chronic Depression got a lot worse once I had my first child. All my life I have always felt that I was an outsider in my own family, and I feel that family is to accept you the way you are, and I guess they do but I have always felt I was om the outside looking in on all the happy “normal” people. My whole life I have always felt that there was and is something wrong with me. Why can’t I be like my brothers and sister and not say things without thinking, not feel like I am an embarrassment to my family and to once in my life feel happy with me as a person. And don’t get me wrong my family does love me but to me I always feel like they are there because I am their sister or her daughter. Two years ago I lost my grandma we always had a strong connection, she accepted me and called me on my shit. She died of stomach cancer and it killed me seeing her go through all that pain, and if at anytime taken her pain and put it in me, I would have. My life has changed since she is longer around. And yes she is around me everyday I feel her but its so hard because I feel this sadness deep inside that there is a hole where she was and there is so much pain there and it wouldn’t go away. In the past 12 years I had been with two men, my now ex husband Kristopher whom wasn’t the nicest, is controlling and was verbally and emotional abusive and after 8 years I had enough. I left him for my sake and for our kids sake. I didn’t want my children to turn into him, I didn’t want either child to see how their father was treating me as a normal thing to do. And it’s not his fault and yes I am not just saying it was all his fault, it was my fault too. We both made mistakes but I couldn’t be with him anymore. Then almost 2 months after him I got with a guy Clifford whom was a guy in high school I liked and we both were coming out of bad relationships and so we gave it a try and was almost exactly the same as my ex husband and I stayed for 4 years and then recently we split and yes we had our issues but when a person says he loves my children more then me that is it. Then starting therapy and got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety. And another reason I started therapy was to be a better mother to my kids. I was not proud at how I treated them and always yelled at me lost my temper and patience with my kids. One major issue I need to do is LET THINGS GO, that is so hard because I overthink and be like I could had done this different and etc. So the medications are helping I am a lot calmer but in the evening I have a break down and just cry, so my psychiatrist changed my medications or upped them in the evening so now during the day I am having a break downs. So yes we are trying to get my medications where they need to me. So after I broke up with my ex boyfriend,  Robbie found me and he is everything I wanted in a guy. But I have been having to much drama and every little thing I made into a bigger situation that wasn’t and relied on him and so he felt like he was my coach and therapist and every day there is drama and he doesn’t want that which I agree I don’t want that either, but I love this man and want to spend the rest of my life with him, and his feelings as changed, but in my heart and I do believe in his heart he does love me but I need to get my shit together in other to have a healthy happy relationship. See for the past 12 years I had relied on guys to solve my problems and I need to find that courage and strength to know that I love myself that I am beautiful and that I could have any guy I want but I don’t any other man in my life, and I believe that we fall in love once so why can’t we try to find that love again. So for the next 3 months we are doing no talking no texting no communication at all, and yes a few friends are saying that’s crazy but in the next 3 months I will be finding me, learn to love me because if I don’t love myself why would someone else love me, be a better and stronger mother and woman and know I am worth love and happiness, because inside of me I always felt that I don’t deserve love and happiness but I do. And what is weird when I am with Robbie I feel whole and complete and I have never ever felt that way with any guy with every relationship I have held something back but with Robbie I holding nothing back and had dropped all my walls, and let him inside my mind heart and soul and he accepts my moodiness craziness grumpiness my pain my sadness and everything else that I feel every day, he hates to see my cry which by the way I hate to cry but I happen to be one of those people crying is how I get out my feelings. I need to know at the end of the day yes I have a issue that I say okay this is my issue now are the steps into taking to fix or solve that issue and at the end of the day I come home to Robbie and telling him my issue and this is how I fixed it. I know that I can be a strong woman but I need to believe and know that I can do anything I set my mind to it. And honestly what guy will say I will give us 3 months and then in that 3 months get my shit together become who I feel I should become and see if things with us can be different but still know that we love each other and still want to be together also knowing I can bring more to us then all the drama and be strong and if worse case is we get back together in 3 months and he feels the same way then I will be strong enough to accept what he says and find someone new, but I am hoping that isn’t the case and we can get back what we lost and start a new healthier relationship. But no guy in history will say that I’ve never met said I’ll be here in 3 months I am not going anywhere. I said what if you meet someone else new and he said as far as he is concerned he is off the market and that is how I feel too. So I honestly feel this as a good thing and starting a new step to becoming a better me. So next three months I am going to do yoga and work out a bit and start meditation again, and figure out what my triggers are not break down and just work on through it and defect it. I need to find me and know that all my issues, insecurituies, and let it go and keep moving forward and knowing I deserve anything I want to do. And go back to school and figure where I see myself. And to not let my disorder define who I am and just be me.

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