Not the life I wanted

So tonight I find myself back in that place. Wondering what the hell I am doing and why? Bit by bit things are just falling down around me and no matter what I do or say they just keep falling. Tonight I am not doing enough to help and he has to do everything. Because I was “out gallavanting around town” AKA having a swim and dinner at my friends house- which he knew was happening yesterday!-  I will be getting up at 6am in the morning to do all the things that didn’t get done. What are those things you ask? Picking up all the timber that the tradies left behind in our shed, vacuuming the floors and tidying up the back room where the tradies have been and will be for the rest of the week. Oh and he didn’t have anything left for dinner and I had a spare pair of shoes sitting at the door, the washing machine hasn’t been put back together (meaning the detergent drawer hasn’t be put back in) and the benches weren’t wiped. He says he is sick of me just doing whatever I want and that he always has to do everything and on top he has his job. That my sister will not be getting a xmas present this year because she is 18 and can buy her own. I didn’t back down, I fought through every piece of bullshit that came out of his mouth before leaving. I had no where else to go and so I walked across the road to my in-laws and straight into her room (which is where I have to shower while our bathroom is getting done), sobbing and in a state she says what’s wrong? I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t breathe, I was trying to hold my breath to slow down and she asked if we had a fight and so I nodded with my back to her sitting on the edge of the bed. I sobbed and sobbed until I could stop and get myself together, took off all my jewellery and laid down on my side. She didn’t say a word, she didn’t touch me, she didn’t try to console me, she didn’t even try to settle me or make me feel ok. She did nothing. I went and had a hot shower, picked up my things and left to come back home. She says are you going home now? I said yep well I got nowhere else to go do I? Fucking stupid, ignorant, selfish cunt. No fucking wonder I am dealing with a spoilt, selfish, ignorant little arsehole at the moment who only blames everything on someone else – at the moment – Me. It is like he is the only human who goes to work and may even have some stress in his day. So inside I have a little blueberry growing – I don’t even know what I feel now. I never wanted to have children who’s Dad didn’t love nor want them. Right now I feel like that’s the situation I have. How have I got here? What have I done wrong? I just want out of it all that’s it I’m done. The end.

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