Geez… It’s been a bit since I have written in the journal. I guess I wasn’t sure what to write or say. The purpose of this journal was to help me get things out and chronicle my journey along the way. The thing is the last few weeks I just have not been in a good place. I would find myself siting in front of the computer just crying. In my mind the last thing I wanted to be was a feel sorry for myself or cry baby. Didn’t think those that read my journal wanted to read about my sadness and probably enjoyed my more uplifting better attitude journal entries. The thing was I couldn’t lie about how I was feeling so felt it was best to just not write anything. My journey requires myself to be authentic to my true self and not hide behind the image what I think others want to see. But I miss writing my journal and crave to be able to let things out. It is like a therapy for myself.
The realization of how much I need this outlet came to be a few days ago. I opened to a couple of people that I have much respect for and admire. They each where understanding and encouraging. When I left that conversation my head swirled. Not in a bad way but in a way that made me really think. They each told me that I would get through this a stronger woman if I chose to push through but the one thing that stuck out in my head the most was that it was okay for me to feel what ever way I needed. They did not expect me to act as if my life was perfect and moving along gloriously. Now they were not saying for me to be mopping around or crying all day long but it was okay for me to admit that I was not okay and struggling. My first initial thought was, really?! But then as I mulled over all their words from that conversation in my head I soon realized they were right: IT IS PERFECTLY OKAY TO ADMIT I’M NOT OKAY! So, with that said sometimes my journal will be filled with positives and signs of me moving forward and others it will be about some of the demons I’m still fighting. I’m only human and each day brings on new things or memories that make it harder than others. I knew this journey was not going to be easy and I never expected to heal over night.
So, the past few weeks no I have not been okay. My son has struggled and having behavior issues. The holidays are my favorite time of year but it has been a struggle to try to be excited for them this year. I never felt more lonely the last few weeks than I ever have. For my entire life I have always had my grandparents or mom or significant other with me around this time. The night I put up my tree up and after Binks went to bed I just sat in the middle of living room just crying and begging for my mom to come. I have not cried like that for my mom since around the time of her passing years ago. It was as if I just needed her comfort at that moment. The ex had stopped by earlier that day as well to drop off some Christmas decorations from the storage unit. He stayed a few minutes talking to me about Binks and when he left for some reason it felt like a knife went straight through my heart. It was not that he said anything wrong or was being rude or mean it was seeing his face that I still love and hearing his voice in person other than a phone. I suddenly realized my heart really missed him and him walking out that door was like him walking out on our relationship all over again. After I got all of my tears out and begging for my mom I realized that not only did my binks need some counseling but myself as well. I need someone to talk out things to and help me cope with this so that at the end of this journey I come out stronger and unstoppable independent woman. As you can see I have not been okay and that’s okay. Next time someones ask you if your okay and you really not just remember the advice I was given and the quote that it’s perfectly okay to admit your not okay. Letting it out will release those feelings and allow others to comfort you.