December 3rd, 2015.

It just hit me like a brick. I’m lonely.

For about two months I remained basically mute and didn’t talk to anyone. No roommates, no classmates, no boys, nobody. The only people I talked to were my friends on FaceTime maybe twice a week and texting them and maybe an occasional FB message. I’d also post a bunch on social media. I didn’t know why but I wanted to post a picture of every moment, post every single interesting thing that happened to me. But today, I was doing my laundry, and this girl comes up, and says hi, real friendly-like. She was adorable and genuine-looking. My initial response was to ignore her or grumble a hello, but I tried my best to say hi and smile. I hovered for a bit, before giving up and leaving. I wanted to go back so bad, and I also wanted to cry. Someone wanted to say hi to me. I hadn’t spoken a word in months really, but I said hi to her. It boggled my mind, until it hit me. The social media. The photos. Her. I was lonely

It started when I was dating this kid, Will. He was extremely attractive, and my roommate was dating his best friend. Anyways, on our first date he brought me up to a mountain to see the city lights. Nobody was around really, and we sat in the car. He kissed me. I’m not a real fan of kisses on the first dates, especially after this kid in my French class made out with me for 2 hours on my birthday a few days earlier and then ditched me. Completely ignored me. But I figured it wouldn’t happen again. I didn’t feel anything kissing him, even though he was really hot, which was odd. I got attached to him anyhow, as girls do. But he freaked out, and said we shouldn’t have done that (HE shouldn’t have, he was the one who kissed ME, but whatever). He promised me, twice, that he wasn’t going to leave. He continued to see me but we never kissed again. One night I asked him why he never looked at me or touched me. He was silent, and said that he wanted us to date other people. I started crying. He backed out. We still saw each other after that, but less and less. Meanwhile, my roommate saw his best friend more and more. Eventually, things just kind of broke off without breaking off. It never officially happened, it just kind of…disappeared. Like a puff of smoke. He kept coming over with his best friend who was seeing my roommate, and she refused to leave him when I asked because he wouldn’t stop bringing this boy and that gave me anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and suicidal thoughts. So my roommate and I drifted. One night he was at my dorm with a bunch of people, and he was flirting with some other girl who was all over him, right in front of me. And I lost it. I didn’t show it I don’t think, but the next day I took a giant bottle of Xanax pills. I got stupid high, and stumbled around the entire day. My roommates noticed right away. I ended up calling this boy I think, I don’t know what I said to him but it must have scared him. I hung up when the police and paramedics came, and took me into custody and to the hospital. My dorm mate had called them. I felt super betrayed because I was low on money and it wasn’t even her business. The hospital put her in charge of my pills. One day she told me she lost the pills. She told the building manager and my mom that they were gone, both of who assumed I had stolen the pills. My mom threatened to come out and get me, and I could get kicked out if I’d stolen them. I went to her room and opened the drawer where they were (I’d seen her get them out the other night when I was with her in her room) just to find that they were pushed back just a little bit further than usual in the same drawer they were always in. She almost got me arrested and almost had my mom drive out because she was too stupid to keep track of them. That was probably the final straw. I couldn’t trust any of them and I didn’t even want to be friends with people who seemed so desperate to make me upset. So that’s how it happened. I’m still dealing with the issue with the boy. I’m still kind of hung up over him, and he doesn’t text me, or take responsibility, even after I confessed my attempt of suicide because of his actions. Didn’t phase him. He told me to go read the Bible. And that’s when I hated Utah. They were all so selfish, and hung up in their own perfect lives to care about anyone but themselves. So I stopped trusting and getting close to people. That way I wouldn’t get hurt. It made sense. And I was happier, until now.

2 thoughts on “Lonely”

  1. i think, somehow, everyone must go throught a time in their life where they’ll feel like you. where you’ll feel like no one is good enought, or that you’ll close up because people have hurt you, and others. this is a constant in my life, to be honest, moments where i feel so lonely i don’t think there’s a actual reason to continue on life if no one will realize if i don’t. and it sounds silly and cliche for me to say it, and there’s a chance you’ll check this out and be like ‘she doesn’t really know what i’m going throught’ (true), but i have to say it.

    it will get better.

    with just a effort, a small effort to open up a bit more, just a bit, it does get better. sun can only shine on you if the curtains aren’t closed.

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