My first whom I thought would stay devoted.

Silence is everyone’s loudest cry. You’ll always know that someone’s deeply hurt if that person’s trying or maybe ignoring you right away. My boyfriend has ignored me for months till I got used to it. We coincidentally bump into each other after school. Dismissals. I keep showing this fake smile outside me whereas he’s there looking guilty. He couldn’t even look me in the eye. He’s guilty maybe. I really wanted to talk to him but every time I come near him, he quickly walks through the aisle or on a circle of people he doesn’t even know just to get away from me until one day, someone just poked me at my shoulders while I was jotting down notes and important ideas my brain’s been suggesting to jot down. It was him. He was the one who poked my back. I faced back but I didn’t saw anyone until I faced front and saw him smiling. I didn’t knew what to say or how to react upon that moment. All I did was just stare at him without any expression. I don’t know if i was surprised or maybe annoyed. All I knew was, My heart skipped a beat when our eyes met. He was really cute carrying that kawaii smile he used to show me when we were still like the clingy idiots. I don’t know if he still thinks about me or maybe I still exist on his brain. I don’t really know, like really. I don’t assume so.. It’s impossible. I don’t even know if he still loves me. I missed him so bad. Does he also miss me? Ugh. Why am I even expecting! This is stupid.. VERY STUPID. I’m already in the stage of insanity. For example, I talk to myself, argue with myself-literally because I’m an idiot, Loses argument with myself, and is no longer talking to myself. I wish he knew this. This pain I’m going through. This pain I’m carrying everywhere.. I’m having one of these days where every little thing about him makes me want to cry. I wanted to tell him how I felt about getting ignored. But there are no precise words to describe the pain and sorrow inside my heart. I tryna be patient, not to get annoyed and to stay neutral at times even I am pushed to my limits and feel like exploding. Maybe it’s my fault. My fault that you distanced yourself away from me. Maybe I was too clingy. Maybe because I was never enough. Why can’t I have a proper relationship? I fought for you. I fought for you..You never. Maybe you were scared. Maybe because you didn’t care about me. Why? Why does it have to be like this? Why am I the only one suffering from this bullshit we had? I love you but at the same time, I hate you. I’m so stupid. If you ever realize you haven’t heard from me in a while.. just remember it was you who pushed me away.. Ive always loved you but I doubt your feelings now. I won’t beg you to stay.  Sometimes, the gift of goodbye opens up another door. I’ll let you move on and move away if you need to. 

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