Who am I?

I don’t know who I am.  I know what I’ve been through and what has happened to me but I don’t know who I am.  When I was younger, I know that I was abused by my older cousin.  I know he hurt me and ruined all relationships between me and the rest of his family.  I know I can’t do anything to change the fact that it happened.  I wish that I never told anyone.  I secretly hate my best friend, Diana, because she saw the cuts on my arm and made me tell her what happened.  She told her mom and her mom told mine.  I was put in counseling and have been going for over two years now.  Every time I go in, my counselor asked me what I am thinking and there is so much I want to say but I always shrug my shoulders and say “I don’t know” or “nothing”.  I don’t say anything because I feel like it’s just not that important to bring up.  I’m at the point in my counseling where I don’t need to talk about the fact I was abused but the effects it has had on me and others around me.  The last time I went was yesterday and we talked about how I don’t like having attention from others and people focused on me and how it that me anxious.  He asked if I knew why it made me feel that way and I said I don’t know how to act around others because I don’t know all of them.  An example I gave him was in school when I’m in a class, I can’t talk in front of others without my heart racing and my face getting bright red.  It’s embarrassing because there are a lot of older kids in my class that I’ve never really talked to. He asked why it matters that I know them or not.  I had to think about how to respond because honestly, I didn’t know.  I thought about it and I guess the answer would be because I don’t know who I am and that I am always trying to conform to what others want me to be like.  For every group of people I’m with, I’m a completely different person, different personality, different likes and interests, and just a different persona overall.  My hope for these upcoming months is to work on finding myself and who I want to be and to especially be that person with all groups of people I associate with. 

 

2 thoughts on “Who am I?”

  1. Only you can find yourself and yes it sucks that’s how I feel but other then therapy do something else like walking or running I’m going to start yoga and look up better coping skills I do go to therapy too but they are there to help and if you don’t like your therapist request another one sometimes you go thru a few before you find the one you like. And I get what your saying I’m a people pleaser I try to get along with everyone and that doesnt always work and for some reason I actually care about what others think of me whuch sucks because I need to stop it. Chin up

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