I have now been at university for ten weeks, and I can honestly say that I am struggling here…
I don’t want to complain in this journal but I have been surprised at how cruel and insensitive people can be in an environment where they are free to act however they please as they are away from home and anyone attempting to ‘control’ them and their behaviours. Equally, although I appreciate it is human nature to cling to the ‘stronger’ personalities to ensure that you do not end up at the bottom of the ‘ladders’ within your social circles; some of the behaviour I have experienced from other around me has shocked me and even disgusted me.
Having suffered with mental illnesses such as anxiety and depression since I was about 12, I have become fairly good at noticing when I need to ‘recharge’ after social interactions. This could be considered my introverted side. I do find human contact physically draining, and freshers week particularly, where everyone is attempting to establish themselves as the most popular figure, was an incredibly difficult time for me. I found that the girls, once they discovered I perhaps wasn’t as outgoing as others (when I was going through a ‘down’ period), were totally happy to abandon me and not bother at all with me, despite me attempting conversation many a time whenever I entered the kitchen of our flat and even attempting to watch The Apprentice one night with them in someone’s room. yet I have still found myself cast out to the edges of our flat, I am now never asked to go out with them or to do anything with them. I can go days without seeing them and they genuinely do not seem to either notice, or care.
As sad as this is, I do feel that if I did not suffer with mental health problems that impacted my abilities to socialise, I may not be in the position I am in now and someone else in our flat would have ended up at the bottom of the pile, feeling as lonely as me. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time in my own company, but I have now developed a constant state of loneliness and I am miserable.
My situation, and having seen multiple posts on Yik Yak about how lonely others are at university, makes me wonder why we allow this situation to continue. How hard is it for people to incorporate everyone into social things? Isn’t it sad how so many teenagers cling to the person they find to have the strongest personality in new social situations, even if this means they don’t actually like this person, in order to survive in the brutal world of socialising in your late teens? And why, oh why, do the kinder people tend to end up ignored, while the more two-faced, less genuine, and dare I say, bitchy seem to become the ones ‘worshipped’?