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Broken Agreements

I am trying and doing is bettering myself and trying to be and think more positively and I am doing this for me, my kids, and also my boyfriend whom is giving me touch love. See every guy I was with I smothered them and there has been a pattern with most guys I’ve been with which about almost a month in each guy has needed a break or taken a break. And you see that I hurt my boyfriend Robbie, and now I am getting touch love because I was so blinded by my actions that I hurt him, and he wants me to focus on me but he doesn’t get that yes I am focusing on me but some big parting me will always be thinking about him. And I am so scared by March when we will see each other again that he wouldn’t feel the same way or even before that he realizes that I am not worth all this trouble, he doesn’t even want to talk to me for 2 weeks periods to check up and see how I am doing. I am so scared that I will lose him and honestly I don’t blame him because I feel like such a horrible person I broke the promises that I promised I wouldn’t do again and did and what’s to say that he wouldn’t find someone so much better then and I want to share with him my experiences that I’ve been learning and it’s so hard because he doesn’t even want to talk to me. And it hurts me so much that my actions caused this and I don’t understand why he is even willing to stick around. I hurt him and I never wanted to hurt him and not knowing his feelings and the fact he deserves this space he needs but in all this with my focusing on me and going back to school and I know my love will never fade because he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with him and now that I don’t get to why he didn’t take the easy way and just tell me to get lost that he never wants to see my again and I don’t blame him my love for him will never fade if we broke up for good I’d always have my love for him and solid sometime get over it, but I don’t know his feelings he never shared them with me, and he is hard to read. We talked last night that I don’t want him to ever question my love for him because I am not going anywhere but I get scared he will find someone so much better that has their shit together and drop me like that. And in all this not getting to see him talk to him not hear his voice or have him hug me or even kiss me I feel so safe and at peace with him, and I know what my life would be without him in nd it totally sucks and I hate it. I know he deserves his space, and I want him to share in what I’ve been learning and be proud of all my huge steps I am taking in my life and without getting to really talk to him I feel like he wants nothing to do with me and it tears me up inside that I feel this void where he is in my heart and soul. And I can’t share my feelings really because he doesn’t at this point in time he doesn’t want to hear them because I have to be focusing on me and bettering me but I will always be thinking of him he does care and love me and we both came to a understanding that I need to trust he wouldn’t move on during our break just as he is trusting me not to move in either, which I wouldn’t unless he doesn’t love me anymore and not want me in his life, I can’t force myself on someone whom doesn’t love me. And I know that I deserve this but it hurts that I lost him twice and what’s to say this break will be final and he wouldn’t want me back after our break is up. Tomorrow is my math placement test t college since I’m going back to college and I am happy and excited and scared and nervous all at the same time. I guess I wish he’d just tell me his feelings and maybe this is why I feel like he being so distant and just wants nothing to do with me and again just hard I need to trust in me him and our relationship and our love and commitment to each other but in life there is no guarantees so this scares the shit out of me.

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