I pushed my feelings aside and continued with the plan, every now and then dropping questions in front of the Butterfly concerning her views on relationships and her current status in these regards. This way I found out that she had a tendency towards complicated men and that she had “someone”, but they were not really together.
Out of respect for her I did not tell the Witcher anything about this, just hinting that it might be more difficult than I expected.
Then I went on and smashed it all by being unable of keeping my anxiousness to myself. I told him. Said that I would love to see him happy, but that it would also mean the end of what the two of us had. He did not understand and I only briefly tried to explain before I went offline rather abruptly, trying to get some calmness back in my head.
Not succeeding, I was already shaken when this text message conversation started shortly afterwards.
“I hate to see you hurt :(“
“It’s ok. I’ve chosen this. After I found out how much you can still hurt me I could just have kicked you out of my mind. Break contact. Time is a great healer. At the conference in January I made the decision to keep you, though I knew how vulnerable this makes me. So no need to pity me.”
“I never want you to be out of my life. I need you much more than you know.”
“There are times when I think I know…”
“Still, if you are ever together with a friend of mine I will vanish, because then it’s no longer just between you and me.”
“Apart from that i’m ok with you fucking whoever you want (after all, why shouldn’t you get elsewhere what you can’t get from me)”
“As long as you don’t love them the way you should be loving me.”
“I can´t help what I feel or for whom”
“Why do you tell me this?”
By this time I was already fighting back tears.
“Because you are not beeing fair. You are setting conditions over which i have no control.”
Oh how could he always be this logical and reasonable??
“I can’t lie to you. If there was a choice it’s an impossible one. You are saying never fall in love or you will never see me again “
A minute passed while his words seeped in.
“Please talk to me”
Another minute passed. Then another one.
“I’m at a loss for words”
“Of course I know you are right”
“But this has never been about being right. Or fair. Or even possible.”
“Don’t try to talk reason into a person in love.”
Now it was his turn to remain silent.
I locked myself into the bathroom to avoid being seen crying by the Knight. However, there is no way he did not notice it. Sometimes I really think he knows exactly what is going on and deliberately turns a blind eye to it.
“Come on, try to understand me. There is nothing I can offer you.”
“Nothing but distance and waiting.”
“You give me so so much.”
“If we are never closer than we are now I will still be happy to have you in my life. I am not expecting more.”
“You are wrong if you think that im just hanging around, hoping that someday there will be anything more.”
What a powerful blow to smash towards the defences of my angry sadness. But I parried it right away.
“I know the first girl that comes along is just going to blow me out of your head.”
“You have someone else and im still in your head.”
You think you are so smart, don’t you? But I was more than prepared to answer this one. The answer had been simmering in my head for a long time now, yet I had never before put it in words.
“I love him in a totally different way than I love you. I share my life with him. I am him and he is me. We are family. He will always be around, even if my mind is elsewhere.”
“I love you beyond all reason. You are always on my mind, whether I want to or not.”
“This is a way you can only love one person at a time.”
“Hell, I know myself how wrong this is! I can’t fucking help it either!”
“I’ve already said more than I should. Good night. See you on Sunday (I hope).”
There were some quiet moments in which I allowed the tears on my cheeks to dry, my head entirely empty, my thoughts perfectly hollow.
“I always want to know the truth.”
“You can never tell me too much from my perspective”
“And I hope to hear from you before Sunday. Good night. (>*-*)>”
My hands were shaking while I pondered in full earnest whether to reply to him now or never speak to him ever again.
“You have me before you, stripped naked and all you can think of is good to fucking know!?”
Four very long minutes followed. I spent them on the bathroom floor, my back against the door, sobbing, glad that I am more the type for sudden explosions rather than cold smoldering anger.
“I wanted to ask you why you are over there and not here with me, but I could not decide if it that was wise.”
“I love you more than anything and I hope you know that.”
“No. You never told me before.”
“I told you that I love you.”
“I tell my friends all the time that I love them. Depending on the context this can also mean the way you love a sister.”
“Maybe. But thats not what I mean when I tell you and not what I hear from you.”
I felt like falling and landing in cotton candy.
“I can’t tell you how glad I am that we had this talk. Ten minutes ago I was seriously thinking about breaking contact after all because I always felt you would just love me as a friend while for me it was clearly different.”
“Why didn’t you just say anything?”
“It is my greatest fear that you are just gone one day because I did not understand what you wanted from me.”
“I am sorry. You are right, as always.”
“Remember: extra big letters for me ;)”
“I love you. I wish there was some other way to show you except for words (and my jealousy)”
“Good night. For good now.”
“I love you too (and I dont mean as a friend)”
End of Chapter 2