It’s only my second post on here. This is not how I wanted to start off.
Today I have realized what a fool and coward I have become.
I don’t have a clue when I became such a materialistic woman. I’m not sure I can call myself a woman after today. I have behaved like a girl – like a rotten child even.
After disappointing myself in the last of my nursing finals, I cried. Crying isn’t what this is about though. Crying is completely normal for nursing students! It’s how I soothed my crying that I can’t believe..
So in response to not doing as well as I thought I should have on my final… I rewarded myself with a little “retail therapy” as some would call it. Why did I think this was an appropriate way to react to less than acceptable work?!
My thoughts after final: “I’m going to drive straight until I run into something” “I’m going to put my foot on the gas and drive 130mph until I run out of road” “Where’s all of the heavy music on the radio?” ***Drives past a store that I’ve only been in once because at those prices, I might as well buy a house*** <— Okay, I might be exaggerating a little bit…. Anyway. “I’ve been in there, the cashier was a snob” “Oooh there was a faux fur vest that I liked” “My wallet is in my backpack, but mom will see the charge” “She’ll understand I’ve worked hard” “I deserve this” “It’s been a tough week” “I won’t buy anything.. I’ll just try the vest on” “And that dress and the other vest” ***Browsing through the racks*** “The cashiers don’t think I belong here” “They’re watching me like I’m going to run away with their clothing” ***Cashiers have been nothing but friendly and have been tending to another customer*** ***I try on 2 fur vests and a business formal dress*** “These are pretty expensive, but she complimented how I look in them” “I can’t just leave without buying anything after I’ve tried all of this on. It’ll make me look like a poor, college kid” (<— My shameful pride… I AM a broke college kid) “I’ll just buy the cheaper vest” “I deserve this” “A new vest will make me feel better and confident” (<— Materialism at its finest) ***Goes to pay for beautiful new vest*** ***Cashier gives a price that is $50 more than I thought the tag read*** “WHAT THE F#$@??!!!” “I thought the price was $___… Not that!” “I should have bought the other vest” “I can’t just tell her that I can’t pay that right now” (<— The cowardly lion protecting her sinful pride) ***Gives her all of my cash and then my debit card*** “Mom is going to be pissed” “But I have a new vest that will make me look pretty” “And I deserve it for having a hard week”
What a materialist, cowardly, foolish girl I am. Trying to fix my feelings with objects. I don’t even have a shirt that looks good under the dumb vest. I threw a fit, TO MYSELF, and rewarded my lack of studying (I did study, just not nearly enough obviously) by buying a vest that is over my budget, with money that I was saving for something else, without knowing if I even have enough money to pay for gas to get home tomorrow. And even with this realization, I’m too prideful to return the vest.
I think it’s time to spend some time with God. Please, if it’s something you believe in, I would ask you to pray for me or send good vibes. Whatever you believe.