I Just Don’t Know.

How am I supposed to do this, is the question of my life. I feel my world crashing down around me, as I type these sentences. The man I love has left, I’ve moved away to escape my reality, and I’m alone. My anxiety is eating me alive, and I don’t dare tell a soul that I’m just not okay. Let’s recap. Happy Birthday, May 1st. The same week that he came back into my life and destroyed me all over again. But this time instead of a broken heart and a few painful memories, he left me with a broken soul and a million questions. After fighting for five years, was I still really not good enough? Was I not worth fighting for? But don’t worry, I picked myself up and I attempted to move on. June 6th, the day every “kid” has waited for, for twelve years. Time to graduate and be thrown into the real world. The only thing was that I had been living in the real world since I was fifteen. But everyone forgets to mention that the real world will eat you alive before you have a chance to ask if it’s hungry. The real world threw me into broken love and life changing moments. The beginning of June was when my life was supposed to start, but I do believe that that is when it paused. I left behind my family, and my “friends” and I left state to clear my mind and figure out what I wanted. Arizona was where the sun shined the brightest for me. Two months there had felt like a hundred years in Michigan. I cleared my head and figured out what I was going to make out of this life. Welcome back. I had come back to attend school and be back with my family when I started to think that I was better. Soon enough I realized that I was back to a harsh reality, where the sun doesn’t shine and a dip in the pool can’t fix everything. I moved from my downriver “nightmare” to the country side of Saginaw, where the blacks are still separated and you’re the only white girl who goes to Speedway to fill up your tank. School wasn’t an issue, I enjoyed my classes and I was doing what you could consider well. Here comes November, the sweet month of holiday activities, colder weather and remembering what we have to be thankful for. Except I wasn’t thankful for much this month, for my little man who calls me “auntie” and the fact that I had a roof over my head. I was thankful for the love and the loss. This month I found out one of my biggest fears. One doctors appointment had never seemed so scary, until it feels like they have the answer to your entire future in their hands. And there it was, the thing no one at eighteen wants to hear. Given a 1 in 500 chance of ever being able to have children. Crying for days, not eating again, sleeping all day and trying to hide from this truth. Did I mention that I used to envy children? Their perfect world, where they have no idea what disappointment is and they make joy out of every aspect of this twisted world. Now? The depression has set back in. One o’clock in the morning and the anxiety calls. I don’t enjoy the little things in life anymore. Children get under my skin, one meal every two days counts as normal. I want to be with someone who never loved me, because it’s easier then starting over. School doesn’t seem to mean much to me, I’ve lost my ambitions. I don’t remember what I’ve been working so hard for. I just don’t know. I can’t seem to figure out where I want to be, who I want to be. Depression is better than feeling nothing at all, right? I think it all just finally hit me. This isn’t a place I enjoy calling home, I’m missing time with the ones who need me most. I’m no longer excited to see my nieces and nephew enter this world, and who cares that my family is falling apart. I’m fighting, I promise I am. But I believe that my fight is running out and I am slowly ready to slip away. How do you explain to someone other then a computer screen or a blank page of paper that you’re ready to end your fight? But all I keep telling myself is that I’m a fighter, and this life can’t get the best of me. 1:06 am.  -C

2 thoughts on “I Just Don’t Know.”

  1. ASK GOD TO GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH AND COURAGE TO KEEP FIGHTING,CAUSE YOU ARE DEFINITELY A FIGHTER.DONT LET ANYONE OR ANYTHING KILL YOUR DREAMS.WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH,THE TOUGH GET GOING!BE PROUD OF WHAT YOU HAVE ACHIEVED N YOUR LIFE.I PRAY THAT THINGS GET BETTER FOR YOU,AND THAT ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.KEEP GOD FIRST IN YOUR LIFE AND YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE,NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THIS WORLD!

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