I sit here writing this while watching one of my favorite movies “The Holiday” and enjoying a glass of wine. For the first time in a very long time I feel completely at ease. There is a calmness within both Binks and I. It as if this war that has been raging inside of us has settled for the time being. All I can attribute it to is that the both of us went to church this morning. It has been many years since I went to church and only the second time for Binks. For the past several weeks I have been struggling with many things and even wondering how much longer I was able to hold on to this very short rope. Even my prayers have been less because I was feeling as if they weren’t working. The invite to today’s service couldn’t have come at a better time.
One of the things that struck me the most today was hearing how much the lord loves each one of us and how much he fearlessly protects us if we allow him. When the speaker read the scripture in Luke about Jesus giving a widowed mother her son back to her by resurrection, tears rolled down my cheek. It was the pain that he saw through this women’s eyes of not only losing her husband at one point in life but the pain of losing her only child. He told that women that she shall not cry anymore and he went to that casket and told the corpse of this boy to sit up and he did and spoke. Jesus had so much compassion for people and genuinely loved all. He could have easily loved these people afar but he faced the fear of what others would think in order to fulfill his prophecies. The speaker also spoke about how his own fears in life where holding him back and how he had to figure out how to overcome. He of course relied on his faith and family. Tears at this point where non stop leaking out of the corner of my eyes because I knew it is my own fears right now holding me back. The fear of letting go of what was comfortable, the fear of being a bad mother, the fear of success, the fear of hurting the person that had no problem hurting me.
On the way home Binks just talked about how Christmas was about Jesus and his birthday. He even asked to go back next week. After getting home and reflecting about the Writing in Luke that was spoken and the fears holding us back I began to cry again. It was as if God knew that I needed to hear those words today and I needed to have his presence closer to me than just through prayer. He knew that my faith has been wavering in this trying time and that thoughts of giving up have entered my mind. I know I still have a long haul ahead of me but for tonight I will take the calmness inside of me. I will now focus on my faith so that I may allow my faith be bigger than my fears.