Rain

It’s raining today. It rained yesterday, too, but it feels even colder today because I actually went out shopping. I didn’t BUY anything–I was thinking of a tacky adorable warm Christmas sweater–but then I went, nah. Whenever I want to buy something, I think it over for the longest time until it’s either sold out or I decide against buying it. It’s not that I’m stingy–I can happily spend money on presents for my friends and my little sister–but I just can’t spend money on myself without feeling weirdly guilty. I don’t even know.

But yeah anyway, I’m just cruising the internet for Harry Potter fanfiction and stupid articles, trying to stop myself from doing something stupid out of sheer boredom. Not that I do stupid things intentionally.

Tomorrow is Monday, which means I had better get ready for being crushed by my abysmal test scores. Nine subjects and I already know I failed two. I mean, almost everybody failed physics, and maybe half failed politics with me, but I still feel really bad about it because our physics teacher is our head teacher and our politics teacher works really hard and is really patient with us. Only Chinese and English are going to “save me some face”……

God. I hate myself for not having good grades.

I know my parents are disappointed. Mom would never say it, but I know she is surprised when I fail anything. I am not even going to talk about what my dad will say when he finds out I failed chemistry and probably biology.

Just, the exams and the upcoming holiday are depressing me. Almost everything is depressing me at this point. School, holidays, my family, my friends. I think I worry too much, because I can always feel how tight and strained my face is.

But on a lighter note, I really am happy that Christmas is coming. I do love it–I just feel sad that I’m experiencing it in a country that doesn’t really care for it.

I am also quite happy when I am with my classmates. I’ll be gone next year, and I will probably never see them again after, but I love them. I do. Even though some of them can be annoying as fuck all the time. And, for some odd reason, I think they like me, too. Sometimes I can’t believe people actually LIKE me–like, as a person. It just feels weirdly bizarre to be seen as a likable person–almost like I’m not worthy of being liked or considered a friend. I am seriously touched that my deskmate (who, sadly enough, is not going to be my deskmate for much longer since we’re changing seats soon) trusts me so much. She sticks to the rules and can be kind of direct, and her directness can rub people (like my other friend, the one who is a whole two years younger than me) the wrong way, and it’s rather surprising that she can tolerate and even like someone like me. We do have a lot in common–our love for pretty notebooks that we never write in once we buy, and our interest in writing, and the stories we tell each other. She’s quite a good friend, and she’s very responsible; she has this short boyish haircut with long straight bangs, and I think she looks quite pretty. Oh yes, and she is a major fan of Luhan, a Chinese pop singer–she has stickers of him on this one notebook, and tons of pictures of him on her phone, and she just loves him.

But I’m digressing, again.

I’m taking a while to finish this journal because I keep opening new tabs and starting new fanfiction. Which is a rather stupid and irresponsible thing to do, because I really shouldn’t be on the internet for longer than necessary. I love Harry Potter so much, because it’s affected me and my childhood so much, and I just get so many FEELS when I read fanfiction. Harry Potter, the holiday season, Hayley Williams, Dan and Phil, fluffy animals, and cute useless trinkets/stationery are just a few things I fangirl over. I’ll look at anything related to these things and automatically smile and go “awwwwww!!!” Especially Dan and Phil, Hayley, and animals.

Just, I think that’s enough. This journal is distracting me from reading fanfiction, which seems pretty important now but will probably make my grades drop even more. I would like to say that I don’t JUST read fanfiction–I have a whole list of actual published books that I have to read–I just haven’t found any of the books in real life (the amount of English books to read in China is…tiny) and they certainly don’t exist on the internet (because that would be going against copyright laws), so I have to content myself with reading fanfiction for now. Or maybe that’s just an excuse. Probably.

So, I hope everyone out in the V O I D has a nice day. Until next time (which might be a long time because I won’t have time to write anything during weekdays)…

(Oh yeah, and I forgot to say that I’m considering writing fanfiction of my own soon. Possibly. Maybe. Probably…not. I’m just entertaining the idea, because I love getting feedback on my writing, whether it’s essays or journals or stories.)

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