The Nightmare Inside My Head

I have never been the best perfect, but I try to be. When I was little I knew I was different…no matter how hard I tried I could never be fully happy and I always judged myself harshly. I was never a straight ‘A’ student that my parents could be proud of. Over the years I became depressed because I didn’t understand why I always felt alone and isolated. I thought no one would ever know the real me.

After my parents divorce I met my ex-boyfriend Austin who was diagnosed with borderline disorder…for some reason I was drawn to him. He made me feel like I was more than just someone in this world. How I loved him and he made me feel alive again…I had felt like a zombie since my parents got divorced just making it day-by-day. Slowly we started to bring out the darkest side of each other…and I never understood why until a couple years ago when I was diagnosed with bi-polar depression as well as anxiety. It is a triple threat from hell and after feeling like a zombie after the meds I decided I was better without them and learning to manage on my own.

My husband brings out the best in me and makes me see where I am being extra and learning to live with it together. Along with the diagnosis I decided to work on the darkest parts of myself. The secrets I decided to keep hidden over the years…my father (if I can even call him that anymore) decided that he didn’t want to remain in my life after my mom passed away. His new wife got mad that I asked my dad if he was upset after my mom’s death. My mom became my best friend as an adult and when my husband was deployed she was there every step of the way. 

My Mom was the best person she knew exactly how to calm me down from a panic attack and could flat out tell me I was overreacting and I wouldn’t be mad. She helped me recover from feeling lost and broken. She passed away last year and adjusting to her being gone has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. 

Sometimes my depression gets the best of me and I find myself slipping into the void…I hope that doing this helps me get out the things I keep bottled deep down inside. I need to recover….

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