Anxiety Thoughts

Okay as of right now I am having a anxiety attack. I understand that my boyfriend is giving me tough love because he sees potential in me that I can do better with my life. And he has sent me a video we did get to text a bit more and he called me because I was dumb and got drunk and took shit out on me and I need to stop excepting more and accept what is given to me. But right now all I can think about is that I know for a fact he loves me and we both about to get busier so how will we make time for us as a couple on top of that will I see him Christmas will I get to see him New Years like everything is still up in the air. And I think to myself after one month of being with me I smothered him and chased him away and now he needs three months of space so I can get my life in order so we have a healthy relationship which is awesome but when I got to talk to him when he sent me that video it was amazing but also depresses me even more because I want to see him in person so bad and my actions are what caused this because I am fucked up and why would he want to be with me. I just don’t get it. I have made a lot of progress as of late and I am very happy that I am finally getting my life on track. I just as of late don’t know who I am. I have bipolar disorder since birth and not knowing till like 3 months ago and my friend said to not let this disorder define who I am but it has defined me for so long how do I find me and am I worthy of my boyfriend’s love, kindness, forgiveness, and trust when I just feel like a huge screw up. And will he in March still want to be with me, still love me the same way. And what if I do the same shit and he leaves again. I am just at a loss and wonder if I am worth all this trouble. I love him so much and sometimes I just want to tell him to forget about me and move on to someone so much better that wouldn’t hurt him and break his trust like I did…. 

And why would he want be with me if I chased him away after 1 month. I am making alot of huge steps going back to college and learning better coping skills and I am going to start yoga and therapy and getting my meds on track. I just as of late feel like a problem to him and wonder why he would go to all this trouble he asked me to not do one thing and I did it repeatedly and not seeing that my actions are what caused it and yes he loves me and I love him so much I just almost want to let him go to live a happier life without me in. I guess I want him to just surprise visit me and keep hoping and praying but it hasn’t happened in a month so why would it in the next 2 months and my hopes just keep going down and I am just so disappointed even though he wouldn’t do it because he needs the space…

2 thoughts on “Anxiety Thoughts”

  1. My niece has anxiety attacks… Since the death of her mother last year the day after Christmas,shes been having them frequently.The medicine they put her on made her act like a zombie. do u have them often?

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