All names are made up to hide identity ☆
I never thought I’d be able to write this. I never thought I’d feel the reality of the situation that is so seldomly spoke of. The topic that everyones answer to is “just leave”. The words that are impossible to do for someone who is a victim. I never thought I’d be the girl to write this.
I was pregnant with a little girl at the age of 19. Her father packed his stuff and left our apartment while I was at work one day. The day I told him that I was pregnant to be exact. He was gone and I wasn’t chasing him. I continued my life, preparing to be a single first time mom, raising a baby all by myself. I was nervous but I was also okay with this. She was my everything. I lost nothing. I had it all; right inside of me. Her name would be Vae.
When I was 5 months pregnant, I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment alone. I was preparing for a happy, healthy, stable, and loving home for my unborn daughter and I. One week after the move, I met Bj. He was absolutely handsome. He treated me better than any man has before, always showering me with love and affection. He wanted to step up and be a father to my unborn daughter…and I let him. We had the world. We were going to have it all and that little girl was going to be his. It was perfect. I was so exhausted being pregnant and working full time, but I always came home to a perfectly clean house, dinner on the table, and sparkling water in a wine glass. Candles would be lit, a new pair of absolutely comfortable sweat pants from Victoria Secrets and a shirt that would match it quite right. He was my prince charming. The man every girl dreams of having.
At 8 months, he moved in with me. We dated for 3 months and decided that he is always at my house, so why not just live together. Afterall, It made sense to save money as a little one was on the way. One week later, we got into a fight. He screamed in my face, touching nose to nose. We cooled off and worked it out. It was just a fight. It was just anger and it meant nothing except negative emotions got the best of us. That’s when the red flag failed to go up. He wouldn’t hurt me. He was perfect.
A week after I gave birth, we got into another argument. Too many people were coming to see the baby. Too many people were in his way and he was tired of staying in the bedroom because he wasnt comfortable in his own home. We got into an argument and this time, he tried throwing me down the stairs. He manipulated me into forgiving him. When I started screaming, he stopped and instantly went into “I’d never do that.” “Did someone hurt you before?” “Why are you scared of me?” “I love you”. He said “I love you” and maybe I was over reacting. Again, he wouldn’t hurt me. He was perfect.
After that time is when the abuse actually started getting more intense as the days went by. Being pushed down was the littlest of my problems. Getting thrown into a wall like a rag doll was a good day. I can’t begin to count all the times I’ve seen a gun to my face or a knife to my throat. My head would be beat off walls, the floors, my car window as we were driving, and my neck would be twisted at a strong sudden force numerous times all at once. I’ll always remember the words “I don’t care what you do to me, but please don’t hurt my daughter” as he would scream and spit in my face that I was about to take my last breath. Running wasn’t the easiest option either as my keys would be gone, my tires would be flat, and my car would be hot wired so it wouldn’t turn on. This was my life. This was what I seen daily for two years, no matter what I did. It was wrong and I was worthless. I was a nobody and deserved to die.
My family always wondered why I was becoming distant. Little did they know I was being held from them. My friends never asked me to do anything anymore as the answer was always no. I made up excuses to not show up places and so fourth. Not one person imagined that I would be in the spot that I was. Maybe I was just getting older and focusing on my own family now.
In July 2014, a huge fight broke out between my family, Bj, and I. I was outside, building a bar table, and he didn’t want me drinking. He came out back and in front of everyone, took my drink and threw it out. He said that I had enough. When a family member stopped by to see my daughter unexpectedly, they seen me yelling at Bj and instantly took his side. Although I was not drunk, they assumed I had way too much by the way I was acting. My family member called Lee and told him that I was out of control. He needed to come calm me down. Lee called my cellphone and now Lee was attacking me as well, saying that I am in the wrong. Before I knew it, there were a handful of family members trying to gain control of me, thinking that I was going crazy, being intoxicated. Bj left that night and I cried myself to sleep. Not one family member asked what was wrong. They all jumped to assuming everything and failed to listen to my words. Words that threw hints to them that something was not right. I had one glass of alcohol, but to them, I had an entire bottle as thats what Bj said. I was drunk and confused, to them at least. Little did they know the secrets that were under the lies.
I stopped speaking to Lee and the family for a while after that. I didn’t understand why they didn’t care. How didn’t they catch my hints that i was so afraid to yell? How didn’t they hear my silent cry for help? Did they hear the silent cry and just looked past it? I wasn’t sure of anything, but I knew one thing; I felt like I just lost everyone who was such a distant from me already. I was more than alone now. Even in a brightly lit room, all I felt was darkness like never before. Negative emotions, screaming feelings, and a shattered heart full of anger.
I ended up going on the path that would seek him help. Why I didn’t choose myself first, I’m ashamed of. What haunts me the most to this day is I let my daughter be involved. Although she never was hurt, she did see it. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical; but I was blinded. I can not say enough words to even give the slightest clues as to how she handled the unstable home we lived in. She tried to be strong; she followed my foot steps; but broke down quietly. She wasn’t even 2 and I implanted her little beautiful mind with a storm. That, I’ll never be able to forgive myself for.
He came home and told me about this house on 4acres that was up for rent. The house was back in the woods, a 3 car garage attached, a barn, and a 4 to 6 car garage detached. There was a ton of room for Vae to play and run and plenty of room for his man cave and garages to fill with his mustangs which have always been an obsession of his. We looked at it. I said I hated it as it needed so much work; but his eyes lit up. I finally felt him happy as he stood in those garages, talking to me so excited. The positive energy was something I have not felt from him in so long. I decided to get that house for us. Maybe this was it. Maybe this is what he needed. He would know I respect his choices, care about his goals, understand his hobby, and that I would always be loyal and get through the worst situations with him, just to reach the best. Maybe this was the answer after two years.
I threw 10,000 into that place that we rented in hopes that I would enjoy it more. That it would meet my way of living so i could be comfortable in it as well. He wanted a show room floor in the garage…and that’s what we did. I paid for everything. He paid for nothing. I paid the bills, I paid the security deposit, and I paid for our life. But if this is what it took, I’d rather see him smiling. I thought I could change him and prove that not every person is the same. Not everyone person will hurt you. What I failed to realize was I was hurting myself.
Days went by and I didn’t get touched once. By days, I mean like 5. Then day 6 came and back down I went. We were only in the house finally for a few days as we lived in our old place until everything got done in our new house. And once we got completely in, my skys went back to being pitch black. I didnt even get the second to see the flash of light from the lightening in my life. It was pitch black.
I got thrown down because I used a clean towel to dry off with. I didn’t deserve a clean towel as he is the one who threw them in the washer. I didn’t deserve anything. I got beat, smacked, my head banged against the floor as usual. He spit in my face and tried to get our german shepherd to attack my face. Luckily, he didn’t. He just stood there barking and growling. I took the hits, as I always did. They never hurt me as much as my heart did daily. They never hurt me like one would think, as I was numb. I just cried knowing that if I stayed, I’d be the next fatalaty due to domestic abuse. I truly believe that I maybe had 3 months before he would have killed me. That is if I was blessed to have another 3 months to watch my baby girl, Vae, grow into a beautiful little girl.
Two days later, I was on the phone with Anne driving home from work. We were just discussing life. I was so excited to speak to someone on the phone who said they were proud of me. Bj tried calling and I didn’t end the call with Anne to answer him. He wanted me to buy him this new Mustang that he couldn’t afford. He wanted me to go the car dealership instead of home but I never answered and I ended up at home. I took Vae out of her car seat and here he came pulling in our stone driveway, pissed. I could see it in his eyes. I could feel it from such a far distance. My heart dropped before he even stopped that car. I wanted to throw up before his keys left the ignition. I got Vae out as she looked at him and yelled in excitement to see him after her day at daycare. He yelled at me. Her face went blank, knowing what was going to happen. He never even looked at her as she was yelling daddy. He went to walk inside and she chased him. I yelled for her and she tried chasing him inside until he slammed that door shut. She stopped and turned to me. Her eyes filling in tears. Thats when I knew that this was it. I had to leave and I had to do it right now. If not for me, for my little girl who I just watched get shut down next. Truthfully, life isn’t about you once you become a parent… and I just realized it.
I threw her in the car and jumped in. I locked the doors and once he realized I got back in the car, he came running towards me. I left and watched him chase me on foot down the driveway, but I kept going. I went straight to rutters off rt 83 and called police. I told the dispatcher I needed an officer at that rutters and I was in my car waiting. I refused to say why, but I needed one. An officer came out. He knew. Somehow, he knew.
He sat with me for an hour before I would even speak about why he was with me. I gave him my cellphone willingly and said “read the messages, please.” He read a few and called Bj. He was pressing charges and Bj was on probation for the first time I called the police on him. Bj knew he was going to be arrested on a probation violation. Thats automatically 3 months, minimum. The officer told me that they needed his probation officer to come and arrest him, which would be tomorrow. They placed Vae and I in a hotel. At this point, I called Taylor and told her. I called Kenda and told her. At this point, I was numb. I didn’t shed a tear. I told the officer that he needed to watch my house as Bj was going to committ suicide.
While I was at walmart, Bj called me. He wouldn’t stop so I answered. He told me to check our security system video, which I had on my cellphone. Only I had the information to this but he knew where the cameras were placed. Bj was standing on a chair with a rope around his neck. All he had to do was jump. Thats all he needed to do. I called 911, took a screen shot of him standing there on a chair about to jump, and flew home. I’d never forgive myself for someone committing suicide. That’s not who I am, beat or not. Our road was shut down and officers didn’t let me near. Ems, fire, and police filled our street and our woods. They stayed with me. Bj ran when he heard the sirens. They checked the woods and all. He was no where to be found and that wasn’t the concern. The concern was the truth. He was going to come after me and this was the last time. He was going to make it count if he was going to serve time.
Taylor kept Vae hidden in a hotel. I went straight to crisis to get a warrant on him for the suicide attempt. This would allow police to arrest him without his probation officer. Eventually we caught him, thanks to my home security system, and he was placed in crisis. His officer picked him up there and I was able to return home after days in a hotel and nobody knowing my daughters and my location. Thats when I told my family that we are broken up and he will no longer he around. I told them it was an abusive relationship and that it’s okay now. I wanted my friends and family back. Nobody knew in detail how severe it got. I didn’t speak for a while of it. I had nothing to say. It was done. The last 2 years getting beat daily was done. I was okay and I wanted to forget. I’d start a new life that I’ve dreamt of for years. I thought it would be that easy, but it isn’t.
November 2015 is when my family found out how bad it was. That is when I finally opened up about those days. I did it because I need help. Over a year later, I am not coping well. Not in a healthy way by any means. I flinch easily. I’m terrified of people. I’m always scared that someones lying. I feel beautiful myself, but not to others.
I have no trust in anyone and Im always looking behind me. Now I’m ready to take back the spot I was 3 years ago. A happy, positive, loyal woman who deserved the world. I’m ready for a relationship to settle down in. I’m ready to put trust into someone to protect and love me; but I do notice that I’m going to need a very patient person who understands. There’s not many who will, and if I can’t… that’s okay with me as well. I would be more than happy to raise my girls alone, forever. I’m okay dying alone and still be happy… because I love who I am… but I do not love what I’ve faced nor do I love what I put my little girl through. Maybe I’m really not okay with this deep down; but I’m not sure I’m ready to trust another man, with my daughter or myself.
I just learned that I am allowed to break down and be scared. I am allowed to cry. I am allowed to still be confused and this is all okay. I’m also allowed to smile and be proud of myself. It’s okay.
Domestic abuse needs to be discussed. This is such a sad topic that takes so many lives that nobody speaks of. Girls, please understand that females can be the abuser just as much as a male. Guys, please understand that a female abusing you is nothing for you to feel embarrassed about.
We’re all human. We all have a heart and hold emotions. We all deserve to smile, deserve to hold happiness, and deserve to be treated the best way possible. If you feel like you’re being mistreated to a very negative point, please leave. An argument does have boundaries that need to be noted. She doesn’t love you if she puts her hands on you, nor gets in your face. She doesn’t even love herself if she is able to do this to you. Same goes for guys.
A word to a victim; Baby, you have so much worth. You are an incredible person inside and out and I want you to see that. People sometimes lose themself and take others down with them. Lets face it. Anger is the easiest emotion to show that is negative. Crying makes people feel weak. Many don’t know how to use their words to simply say that something upset them. Anger is the easiest reaction to any situation that leaves someone feeling some sort of way. This is not okay; but we can not control someone else. The only person we can control is ourselves. If it is not in our hands, we can not call the fate. Look at what you’re holding and please understand that you must always focus on that treasure.
If you don’t love yourself, nobody can love you even if they lust to love you. You always need to love yourself. Write silly messages on your mirror that simply says the words “Goodmorning Beautiful!”. Read that every morning until it is beyond drilled in your head. Put on that lipstick, throw on some adorable heels, and keep those shoulders back firm. Write a list of the positive things that you do have. It can be things such as food or that new mascara that you have always wanted to try. Make a list of everything you love about yourself. Frame those things and keep it out for you to see. Get that smile shining like the beautiful person you are and do not forget it for one second. You only need your approval. You only need your beautiful self, my love. ♡