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A lot of thoughts

Okay so I did post a entry earlier. But I needed to again. I wrote my boyfriend an email sharing with him my thoughts and feelings and I know I have to give him space and I am trying think of all the good times we had together and how he’d hug me and I’d never want to let go, or he’d kiss me on the lips and forehead. And these memories just make me miss him more, but I have to do this because if i don’t better me I will lose him and that I can’t do. I mean if he’d fall out of love with me then I’d move on. And the thing is he has so many times to break up with me but he chose not to. I do know he loves me I just got to keep moving forward.

So today I went to visit my grandma grave and I miss her more then ever. I remember all the times I had with her and I know in my heart she is here around me I keep remembering what she said to be she died and the fact I told her to move on and she thought that if she left that she thought we would think she doesn’t cafe and I said no gram we love you go to heaven be out of pain. And since she left u feel this emptiness in my heart and it wouldn’t go away and the pain isn’t going away. Half of the time I just want to cry because I miss her so much. I just can’t get over this pain and yes it has been 2 long years since she passed the weird part I knew my gram and I always had a connection and a month before she got her cancer I have this dream she died and month later she got stomach cancer and we didn’t know and by the she was diagnosed 6 weeks later she died. All I want to do is pick up the phone and call her or go see her and have her hug me again. I just miss her and I know she’s here but I miss her and I believe she sent me robbie plus God did too. I know ill always feel the of her loss and I guess I am so tired of being in pain.

 

I wish for one day that someone else and I could switch bodies. Being bipolar sucks because I have so much pain inside already and I am working on getting rid of it but it will always be there. The manic depression sucks and then when I’m really happy other complain it’s like I just can’t win. Okay I am going to stop typing now 

 

 

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