So now that you know the basics about me, let me tell you about my break and the real reason I started this journal.
I started dating Brandon about 7yrs ago. He was something my parents hated and I wanted to do something for myself. I was 19 when we started dating. I should’ve known back then that this would be toxic. I found out that he was dating one of the girls that I worked with when he started dating me. He swears there was no over lap but I didn’t care.
We were together about a year and a half before our first break. We were young and thought that if we were fated that we would find each other again. There is more detail in it than this but lets fast forward to today.
A few weeks ago, I rolled over in my sleep to his phone on. The light is what woke me up. I saw that he was flirting with multiple girls and woke him up to confront him. He said that he was just looking for someone to talk to. I knew this was a lie. I decided that I couldn’t handle it and slept in the living room. Yes, me because he is too much of a baby to man up and sleep on the couch for more than a day.
Shortly after that, we broke up for real. He told me to get out and that he no longer felt the same about me. That he had been moving on for a while. I was heart broken and understandably so. We had been through a lot together and had so much together that I couldn’t bear the thought of not being with him.
Longish story short, he brought someone into our home and had sex with her in our bed. Something that he said that if I ever did that, well, lets just say he threatened me. I took it seriously though. I never cheated on him. It had crossed my mind yes, especially on the days that he was beyond mean to me but I could never do that to him. But, alas, he did that to me. What is worse is that he made me feel like we were going to be ok and then one day I woke up and found the condom wrapper stuck to my leg. That was the blaring sign to me that he didn’t care about me any longer.
There were so many signs too. He was distant, hid his phone from me, stopped talking of the future. I should’ve known better and I should’ve started moving on then. But you do stupid things and make stupid decisions when you are in love.
So I made plans to move out, get a car, and continue splitting everything up. As the days went by though, he made it seem like there were days that we were fine and going to try to work it out. I mentioned seeing a counselor but he wasn’t willing. That if he did go to see one that it would only be because I guilted him into it. I couldn’t do that so I continued on with my plans.
We had sex once and I thought that maybe we really would make it. I let myself believe that things would be ok again. They weren’t. I knew that he was still talking with other girls and that he still wanted me to move on.
So, this brings us to now. He does this thing where he builds my belief up that we will be ok and we will work it out only to break my heart all over again. He’s done this for a solid two months now. My heart is completely shattered and I don’t even know how to start mending it again. I lost my appetite, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t see colors, and all music and tv was about us. I cried myself to sleep for days. I even sought help from a therapist.
She helped a lot. She helped me realize that he was never going to commit to me. Talking with her made me feel a lot better. I started reaching out to old friends and building up my support system again. But through all of this, I was still living with him, sleeping in the same bed, sharing the same car. We still seemed to talk every day, even if it was only in passing. Those moments are what got me through the day. When he was civil to me I took it as he was trying. I let myself believe something that was never going to be.
Now, we are still living together, still sharing the same car and bed but now I know that we will never be what we were. In his words, we will never get married, never have a family because he doesn’t want those things, at least not with me.
He has said that he would try but I think its just a rouse. I think that he thinks that if he has a professional tell me that things are better off if we split that I will let him go. I don’t need someone else to tell me that I would be better off. I just need someone to tell me that it will be ok for me to trust again, that I wont feel bitter about everything that has happened, that I didn’t waste my time with him.
I know that what I just wrote was a bit jumbled but I needed to get everything out. My therapist would probably think this is a good idea. I want to apologize in advance, I may repeat myself a ton of times but this journal is for me and me alone. Yes I am letting the public read it but only because I want feedback as well. People other than my friends to tell me that I am an idiot or that I am doing something right. People that will be on my side or argue with me because that is honestly what I need right now.
Thank you in advance readers. You guys will help me get through this hellish time in my life.