Just a warning….This entry is about an eating disorder. I am having a relapse. If you feel like you could be triggered, please don’t read any further.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like something is missing from my life. It just seems that life has grown so stale and that I’ve forgotten myself. I’ve let myself go….I’ve been eating nothing but taco bell and pizza, drinking at least 4 cans of mountain dew a day. Not excercising. I’ve gained a lot of weight and none of my clothes fit me properly anymore. I hate how I look.
My aunt recently posted a bunch of pictures on her facebook, of all of us at Christmas a few years ago…When these pictures were taken, I was 120 lb. I was sick. I was very, very strict with how many calories I ate. I excercised all the time. But, I was beautiful. My skin looked so much clearer. I was tiny. My collar bones and cheek bones were prominent and flawless. My tops were all XS-S, my jeans were a size 2. I was able to wear this itty-bitty, skin-tight turquoise dress in my friend’s wedding, and I remember feeling like a mermaid princess in it…in fact, I literally had TWO different people at the wedding pull me aside to tell me that you’re not supposed to look better than the bride. I was just so beautiful then. And, it seemed like my life was better then. I was always going out and doing things with friends. I was aspiring to be a model. I had a gorgeous boyfriend. I felt confident. I felt like I had a future. I want that again.
I’ve been restricting my eating again. Lately, I’ve only been drinking smoothies, tea, and lemonade with cayenne pepper. I don’t eat anything greasy, sugary, or with white flour if I can help it. I’ve been having headaches. I’ve been feeling weaker. But I know that it’ll pass. It literally feels like I’ve been reunited with an old friend. And I’m excited. I know that it isn’t healthy. And I know that it’s risky. And I know that it’s very fucked up, and that I’m fucked up. But I feel this *spark* inside. Like I’m close to having my old life, and a promising future, ahead.
This morning, I’ve been browsing close on the internet. And I told myself, that I’m going to continue wearing my old, frumpy clothes until I get down to my goal weight. Then I’m going to get a bunch of my girl friends together and we’re going to go on a shopping spree, and I’m going to buy myself an entire new wardrobe. I know that it isn’t healthy to be preoccupied with weight and calories, but I feel like that “something” that’s been missing has been put back into place.
I’m going to be beautiful again.