Not Enough Time

Well, now there’s almost exactly four weeks left until winter break, for Chinese New Year’s. Which means it’s only four weeks until our finals. Which means I only have four weeks with this exact set of classmates until they get switched to other classes.

Four weeks is not enough time.

Four weeks is not long enough for me. I don’t know…I want to be with them longer. It sounds weird, but I think I’m in love with them–all of them, together, as a whole cookie rather than as individual crumbs. I think I am in love with the idea of us being a class, a great big family, with all its flaws and weaknesses and dark spots and bright days and strengths. They make me feel like I belong with them, even though I’m not friends with all of them–it’s just the fact that they’re THERE–every day, doing whatever they do, talking with their friends, complaining over homework, joking around, mock-attacking each other between classes. I am always happy with them, and proud to be there WITH them, as one little crumb in the cookie.

I get overly sentimental and happy-sad and nostalgic and stupidly weepy at the worst of times, and I miss things. Miss everything. Maybe it’s impossible not to miss everything, in a way–especially on good days.

And sunny days.

And the days when you’re leaning against the wall outside class and you can feel the cool white tiles against your school uniform and the sun is turning every winter-pale face and static-filled haircut brilliant gold and it seems like the light is softening every hard line of your body and warming your cold dry winter hands, and you still feel a little cold but it doesn’t matter because you’re happy, and everyone around you is happy, and you wish that that moment would never end.

But it does.

The happiest moments always end, and too soon.

I don’t know…after this semester ends and I go on a month of winter break, I’ll only have like…four months with them left before I leave. And they won’t even all be there for those four months. And it makes me feel so…depressed and it feels like panic is seeping into me, oozing, like lava, slow and thick, and it hurts, really, it does.

So all I can do now, is try to stop up the lava with more good memories. Today was a mix of more memories–singing, practicing together for tomorrow’s competition, hanging out in the sun, feeling the cold wind burn our throats when we were running in the morning.

And I think that maybe leaving them won’t feel so bad if I just keep these memories with me.

Because in life, there is not enough time to do everything, see everything, or be with everyone you love for as long as you like.

There will never be enough time to do EVERYTHING.

And I guess at the end of the day, the only comfort you have is the memories.

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