Let’s make no mistake. It’s not my wishes or inner deem, that I take this long to record or release music. Even when I had resources at my finger tips, daily, there was always some kind of apprehension of some sort, preventing me from recording & releasing music as consecutive as my heart was truly wielding it.
I’ve been writing a lot lately. It’s my belief that such is surfacing very deep & lucid like pains that refuse to be dissolved. I’ve been wishing & praying, we well as affirming, daily. But, as when I was employed via the last sort of long term-like job, my thoughts & being always resort to some kind of deep loss or negative. I remember having really happy or joyous moments, where I’d then tell myself that one day, I’ll die. It is this volley of light & dark impulse of thought processes that design & drape my being. That & the desire to read my affirmations to proceed my desires, darken an desire for me to enjoy life. Now, the dark that is used against me, is the thought or idea of having to serve jail time for an incident that to me is t he darkest moment of my life. Please note, that I tried to get therapy about it, and it did n’t happen. To be even more real about it, this has been a very dark year for me. The wreck, leaving two jobs, the beating by the police, and the in-depth understandings of how jealousy can drive others to hurt you (i.e. girlfriends who choose to marriage of another because you won’t submit, friends that you trust turning against you, bosses who you make wealthy refusing to pay you what you’ve earned, family members trying to take what you’ve been blessed with for their own glory, males hurt because you have a way with women, they don’t). Yes, it’s a lot, but it’s truth, it’s what’s been dealt to me. I struggle to not end my life, almost daily. If there is a God, than why is n’t he helping with this? It’s been really bad.
Typically, I don’t even have time to write because I have to read. If I don’t read my daily affirmations, I lose the things that I read to attain whatever it is that I read to actually have.I really want a relationship with a beautiful attractive woman that closely equates my being. Yet, my life leads me continually to lonely, loss, and whatever else is between. I do have nice things, so one has to equate all this dark & pain is a cost for what appears to be wealth. But, what is really wealth? What are we? Is this just a deep slump that I’ll rebound from. Typically, I rebound really well. This entry is mere healing….hopefully.