why do i need a subject

i mean its my journal so why should i be required to put a subject when i dont want to? anyways, im writing on here because i have no outlet. i have nobody to talk to and i have a fiance that has read my diary, found my tumblr, and wants to know every single thought that i have. I can understand that though, even when it seems extremely possessive and crazy. I don’t talk about my feelings and I rarely show emotion. I dont know how to be affectionate and i never ever have known that. I dont blame her for wanting to know what is going through my mind because i do not give her any reassurance that i am here with her. It would be easy to blame the fact that i was raped on this but that happened 3 yrs ago and ive never known how to do these normal things for as long as i can remember. And for as long as i can remember, i have been victimized by boys and men and maybe that has had some kind of affect on me. Im sure it has. For some reason it has become ok to me. Like its a natural part of life to be sexually harassed or sexually assaulted. Theres always someone touching, someone wanting more than i wanted to give, someone making rude comments, but when it really happened, when i was raped, something changed inside of me. Something had to change. I could not be that person anymore. I had to change every part of myself before i was raped. I changed my lifestyle, my beliefs, even my hair color. Sometimes i want to scream because there is not one person in my life that understands what i am feeling. Its been three yrs and i cant seem to let it go. i take it with me every where. and maybe that is because i never got the help that i needed. im not the type of person that talks to people about the bad shit that happened in my life because if i was then i wouldve started therapy back when i was 14. so this is a good place to start. maybe this is the outlet that i need or maybe it wont do shit. only time will tell…

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