So this is something new. Whether or not this will be read in the hours or weeks to come, who knows? But to be honest, who really cares? As though I’m standing on the edge of a vast space, I can scream out to the top of my lungs and not worry about anyone telling me I’m doing it wrong. This is my own thing now. If I f**k it up, then that’s okay. I’ll accept that, like I’m learning to accept everything else.
The basis of these entries will be me speaking about my feelings and days with no holding back. I’ll speak about hurt and pain, lust and love. Trips I may or may not take, days away with everybody or nobody. I’ll speak about private matters, I’ll speak about public matters. Anything and everything. I won’t worry about the judgemental eyes of people around me, I won’t have to worry about offending those near me. I won’t have to worry about “keeping my voice down”. Here, I can be completely myself. I am me. I am this. Ideally, I’ll keep this up, and I’ll write an entry every few days or so. In months to come, I’ll sit back and read over the entries and analyse the pattern – primarily whether or not I’m getting better. If I find that I’m getting worse, or things are stagnant – then it’s time for a change. What that’ll be I don’t know.
I’ve described these entries as “A day in the life of a nutcase”, because that is what I feel is most apt. In these entries I’ll write what I’ve held inside my mind for so long, I’ll explode in words in order to free myself from their chains. I hope that one day I can find the right passage to read out from my mind that’ll fully explain how I truly feel, then maybe someone… Just anyone might understand it. Until then, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing – in a weird way it’s making me feel less alone. So, like taking the first step off a ledge into a great unknown – here it goes.