I miss him so much that it hurts my very chest…and sometimes feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack. I spent 2 whole days & nights in my room (it was our room). I don’t see his backpack in the corner. The alien ware system or his Texas coat. I should have never become so angry that I hurt him. I go to the box that had the engagement ring he gave me. I think about him all the time. He wasn’t just my fiance…he was my BEST FRIEND. Now…life is silent. I shouldn’t have kept his hoodie with batman on it…but I wanted something to remind me of him. I keep hearing this & that…but my heart aches for him. It aches & aches. It’s almost 1am. I never stay up that late. I fall asleep or get on the verge…and realize I am all alone again. He’s so far now. I cry out in the dark for him, “Bug, please…where are you?!” I cry. I hold on to his pillow…it faintly smells like his hair. His big beautiful blue eyes I miss looking into. At the end of the day…I NEVER MEANT WHAT I SAID! I was so miserable and felt I’d see no help. I miss my Nealy Bug & I pray for him to love me enough to talk to me. I cry out and grab his pillow…I hold it close to my chest & sob away. I miss you Bug. I KNOW where my wrong doings were made. Will I ever see him again? Will we ever be what we tried so hard to work at? Will I always be here…sick…and alone? I love him God, PLEASE bring him back to me! I am LOST without him. I want my best friend back. I can’t do this! God Nealy Bug…I love you,
I am 36 years old (I am a dark/modern self taught digital artist, a raw poetess) and despite of how fucked up my entries will be at times...I want to assure the readers that what I say is 100% true. There is no sugar coating anything here. I have NOTHING to lose. I am the Hebrew Hellion and I have to get some things off my chest. If it's too raw to handle then please just read another journal. I also wish to express that I prefer those who are 18 years old or older for obvious reasons. Thank you for understanding this in advance. *If you are under 18 years old, then please ask your parents or legal guardian for permission to read these entries.* Thank you again! :) - HH.