Most people consider the way I deal with sadness and anger inappropriate. I am the queen of the awkward situation and often say or do things I shouldn’t. No change when I’m sad or angry.
So, when we found out we weren’t going to be parents I immediately began making a list of all the reasons why that was a good thing. Mainly, this is just a coping mechanism and I’d give my right arm to have to deal with most of these things but there it is.
I say things like, “I’ll get to sleep through the night.” or “My dog won’t need college tuition or a car.” But really, I have to do this because I don’t know any other way to cope with the fact that every time I hear a baby cry or a child laugh I break down. I cry at random children, I cry at commercials, I cry at pregnancy announcements. My heart is broken.
And I know that I’m not the only woman who has ever gone through this. Women go through this every single day. The problem is, my husband doesn’t want to adopt. At first, I was really angry. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t want to adopt. If he really wanted a child with me wouldn’t he do whatever he could? But then I put myself in his shoes. I’m a huge advocate for adoption because I’ve seen the good it can do. But he never has. He has never even been around a discussion about adoptions. I grew up in a house with a parent who had been adopted so it was common place for us. Nothing unusual. I thought, is it really fair for me to force him into something he plainly stated he doesn’t want? Would I be angry if the roles were reversed? Could I push him into something that might make him resent me and the child? The answer is, I can’t. That isn’t fair to him or me. But I needed to know why. I thought, surely, if you want a family with me you will do this. His answer was simple. Its because he wants a family with me that he can’t. He wanted to give me the one thing I wanted. A baby with him. And he can’t. So he is struggling much harder than I realized with this. He just found out that he can’t give the woman he loves the one thing he should be able to. In his mind, he has failed me. He said he needs time. Because I love him just as much, I will give him time. While he’s taking his time I will continue to cope in my own awkward way. Don’t judge me.
- no college tuitions
- no car
- no awkward conversations
- no diapers
- no projectile baby poop/vomit
- no childbirth
- ability to travel whenever and wherever
- no new mommy paranoia
- etc. etc. etc…