christmas eve

It’s christmas eve and im pissed, in my room just trying to stay away from  my family. Yeah i sound like every typical teenager but i just can’t handle them. The thing that set me off was that we couldn’t have a christmas tree this year because my little niece was going to mess and destroy it. I should be used to it because thats what we get fir having my brother and his kids and wife live with us. I know, it’s just a tree but it’s not just a tree to me. It’s christmas itself. I love christmas, I’m the most christmas person because its the one time of year were i feel so happy and i  just love it. I was told that we could only have a tree for christmas day but my dad decided against even that and told me flat out no. I know theres kids out there that probably won’t get presents this year and here i am complaining about not having a tree. I know i probably am overreacting but that one thing lead to me contemplating everything and brought me back to the feeling that my dad couldn’t do everything we needed as a kid. Yeah he always provided the necessities but i would have much rather had his time and attention, thats what i needed. and as ive gotten older his attention and affection toward me lessoned and went to my nephew. he always said that one parent needed to be feared in order to raise a child successfully. WHAT THE FUCK! I’m sorry a child needs to fear one of their parents to be raised correctly. That’s crazy, no a child needs to have two loving parents. Not to fear one, especially if you know that your mother also fears them for different reasons…..

Sometimes i just feel so alone, i distance myself from people all the time. thats why i pushed my friends away during lunch and now i just hang out in the library. i push everyone away untill im all alone but honestly im happy alone. My sister always asks if i have friends because she doesnt want me to be alone but theres nothing wrong with being alone, especially if it your choice. i like being alone and not having to force myself to put on some show to fit into a crowd. I might be my social anxiety and the fact that i get intimidated easily by people i deem “popular” or attractive or sometimes even male. Yeah i have a crap load of problems, thanks for letting me rant

One thought on “christmas eve”

  1. I totally feel you.

    1. Be happy that you’re able to be alone. It takes a very developed person within to be able to embrace the reality of solitude. Such is the human condition; we can’t escape it. You’ve somehow mustered the strength to own it.

    2. The part of you that actually desires alone time, also proves that you have angelic or just sheer heart majic on your side, in your favor. Make the most of this time; it may be leading you somewhere wonderful that will help you resolve the family negativity.

    3. Family is love. They really care about you, they’re just not always good at expressing it amid manners that are better suited for you. That’s where good communication is a necessity. How to actually start this communication & what to say?? I have no earthly idea, but I think it’s cool how you percieve things. You may be either a budding creative person, or perhaps a person on a journey toward some kind of high achievement or success. If you’re not, then you should be. You’re talented within. 🙂

    Best Wishes & Be Thankful for What You Do Have…because many others, don’t have it. 😉

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