Xmas Eve 2015

A friend at work keeps telling me to journal.  I’ve written my thoughts here and there in the past, in a book, never online.  Usually I write when I’m sad, or hurt or lonely.

Tonight is Xmas Eve and I’m home all alone.  I guess I’m feeling a little sad and hurt and lonely.

All my girls are grown, have their own lives and for that I’m very happy and thankful for.  So they are spending tonight doing their own things which is totally fine and I’m happy to watch their lives evolve they way that they are.

Then there is  my “boyfriend”.  I guess this is where the sad and hurt and lonely comes in.  We live completely separate lives.  He is always too busy for me, he works as a mechanic, has a great day job and then his own shop at home so every evening and weekend, he works are more cars.  We really don’t do much of anything together and I really only see him once a week, maybe twice which is usually just a quick/cheap meal and then just watch tv, go to sleep.  He has a pornography addiction which makes our sex life almost non-existant and I have so much resentment and disgust from the addiction, that I don’t really want to be with him.  His family is very different.  His entire family, parents, brother, kids have never accepted me into their family, they’ve always seemed to want him and his ex-wife to get back together so were never very friendly and never put any honest effort into including and accepting me.  After almost 4 years now, there is absolutely 100% no relationship with his family/kids.  My family totally accepts him though.

So I’ve been alone all week.  He took the week off and has made no effort to see me, booked in cars every single day/evening….too busy working while on vacation….makes no sense to me.  It’s Xmas eve and I’m home alone.  I sent him a sort of suck-up text, saying I’m upset because I miss him and now if feel stupid for doing that.

But reality……how can I miss something that’s never there.  He’s always been too busy or too tired which is what we argue about.  Every summer, he works.  I have to fight and argue to get him to do anything, go to the beach for an hour (which we didn’t do once this last summer), we really don’t have any friends as everyone knows he is always working, too busy.  What friends we did have, rarely invite us out anymore because they know he’s too busy.  It seems like the only time he invites me to do things, it’s things that he knows I don’t enjoy doing and almost always involves his teenage kids (who want nothing to do with me). I always feel like he makes plans with them and then invites me at the last second as the 3rd wheel, knowing I won’t join them.  He never makes time for just him and me, we barely ever laugh, nothing is easy or fun.

Now he’s talking about buying a house together, he wants to include my income to hopefully get pre-approved for a decent amount.  But I really am struggling with how I can possibly live with him and his kid(s).  We live very differently and have very different views on raising children.  His (16 & 20 years old) are very selfish and lazy and do absolutely nothing in his home and I really have no interest whatsoever in spending my time and energy doing everything for them as if they were toddlers, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, doing their dishes & laundry…..he does everything for them and they are very lazy, disrespectful and very unappreciative.  He feels if he pressures them to do any chores, pick up after themselves or act their age or be personable and polite to me and my family, that they will stay with their mother full-time, which will cost him more child support, so he doesn’t parent at all and they treat him like a doormat and just take, take, take.

I’m in a lease where I am living, so it’s not like  anything is happening now but I can’t help feeling that if it’s not good apart, how could things be good together?

I don’t understand why I always fight so hard to stay in relationships that don’t make me happy.  Logically I can see why things are hard with him, I  can’t change him, I can’t make him want to see me or spend time with me or do anything  with me and if he doesn’t want to, then why do I  stay?

I know  I feel too old and fat and very unattractive to find someone  new.  I know I think in the back of my mind  that this could be my last chance at having  a partner, but really, is he really a partner when I’m always alone and let down and disappointed?

I was thinking that if I write a journal with my thoughts and feelings and then come back and read what I’ve written as if it were a complete stranger that’s written it….what would my opinion and advice be to someone else in this situation?

Xmas Eve 2015 – home alone, sad and disappointed


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