closure

I wanted to start this journal to help myself get closure on some stuff that happened in my life that i haven’t told many people, its why i keep things here like my name a secret and certain names of other people too so that i wont be approached by this because i don’t want that too happen.

so where do i start? my name is -R and i was born in the Netherlands in oost zeeburg. i didn’t have the most normal child hood we lived in a flat with 6 people me my mum, dad, 2 sisters and one brother. my mum always tells me i was happy when i was younger but i remember that differently.at school i got bullied allot because i was ugly, weird and stupid, it bothered me like any other kid would have but i didn’t let that bother me too much i never really did work in class i couldn’t concentrate and i felt like i was too stupid anyway because everyone kept telling me that. i went too my teacher a few times too tell her they bullied me but she wouldn’t do anything i hated her she said things like: “Scott would never do that” stuff like that she even trowed away my work one time i never got too ask why she did that. it made me feel like i couldn’t do stuff soon i got diagnosed with ADD which i doubt i have i had too go on strong medication making me want to pull my hair out they took me off it eventually. i didn’t have many friends and one of my best friends her name was Cindy she was a bitch sometimes specially her older sister Natalie me and my youngest sister Ally would always play with them i remember one time we were outside and Natalie told my sister who do u want too hangout with your garbage sister or me in a very bitchy voice and then she kicked me and walked off with Cindy and ally, i never understood why she hated me so much, when she got older she got more mature though. at home my brother had a lot of anger issues, he was very controlling and wouldn’t let us do much. I remember that there where allot of fights at home with my family. my older sister Amanda she run away a lot. my mum isn’t actually dutch she was born in Australia and when they went back too Australia for a holiday my granddad touched my sisters chest and i think it started after then my parents didn’t believe her which is of course a hard thing to do and they wished they did and helped her she moved out pretty quickly at the age of 17 she moved out because my parents where so worried about her all the time that they rather know where she is so if she is unhappy at home, they got her a place she could stay so that at least she is save.

I’m not sure when it all started but during all this my brother sexually, mentally, physically abused me. i do know how it started it used too just be him controlling and angry and aggressive a lot and then he would talk to me about sexual stuff and how babies where made and it scared me, i didn’t really understand it at all. then this one time he told me ‘the doctor said i need to have sex so that i wont die’ and i didnt want him too die of course but i didn’t want a baby and i didn’t really understood it either so i said no and he walked off later he started making me do stuff i don’t like to go into detail about that its just painful, and i was scared. I remember whenever me and my sister played with our barbies and we had families we always had a bad brother and a good brother and that’s how i knew he did those stuff too her too and i felt guilty for a long time because I’m older and didn’t do anything. he wasn’t always like that, he could be kind an very caring but then when he did those things, it was so confusing for me. my mum told me once i came up to her when i was about 6 years old and that i told her i was so angry and wanted to stab myself in the stomach, i feel bad  i said that too her since then i have been going too therapy it never really helped for me i went too 11 different therapies and 3 group therapies, i never got diagnosed with depression but i knew i had it and now I’m 17 i got diagnosed with it about 2 years ago i also have post traumatic stress, but i don’t like to label myself with all those things. we moved when i was 11 years old too gein in amsterdam zuid-oost not long after my brother got arrested and ill tell you that next time at the moment its too much for me.

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