That ghost looks like me
She’s whom I used to be
How did she get to return in the mirror?
What is she glaring back at me like that for?
I don’t want her back
yet she keeps on throwing me off the track
telling me that I’ve never been good enough
I should do much better than just being tough
She says: “Caring too much has always been your weakness.”
God, why does she have to keep me restless?
“Look, now you’re out of steam.
Now it’s just you alone and your slowly dying dreams.”
Please, make her go away
I don’t ever want her to stay
Don’t ever let her return, even for another day
I don’t want to become whatever she says
“You’re nobody’s superhero.
What you’ve done for them may not necessarily make them love you so.
Look, even they’re still disappointed with you.
Sadly, there’s nothing else that you can do.”
Why do I need their acknowledgment?
They can say they love me, claiming that they really care
but even my smallest mistakes have all my other deeds forgotten,
and I know I shouldn’t expect this to be equal and fair
I’m longing for this ghost to disappear,
and my own, true inner voice to chase away my fears
Perhaps, these mental scars they’ve put shall heal,
and no more guilt and remorse I should (be made to) feel
Sometimes you can’t help with ‘just love’;
you have to be more than good enough,
including being ready to be a lone, broken mortal
just in case they’re not always around – or won’t be – to catch your fall…
(Jakarta, 25/12/2015 – 3:00 pm)