It was a surprisingly, wonderful, intimate holiday with a very special person in my life. We are back and forth and I’m uncertain of our future, but I’m taking an approach of letting go and trusting that everything will happen just as it is meant to –
There are, of course, unexpected consequences. Fear and doubt and worry and anxiety will show up. My dreams brought this to my attention last night.
I dreamt that I surprised my lover at work – I came with and sat with a friend of mine in a booth. He was off his duty and was intimately walking out with a coworker of his – she looked so young. She looked so vulnerable to me. I was confused. Maybe he was helping her through something that had happened at work. As they walked out he and I made eye contact and it seemed a lot was said with no words being exchanged. I watched him sit them down a few booths away – facing me, sitting on the same side. She was lost in his neck and he and I continued our silent conversation. He wasn’t angry at me and he wasn’t embarrassed. I decided to go say Hello – as people who know each other do.
She understood right away – as I was approaching I questioned myself and my decision. I walked more confidently and worked on relaxing my approach. Who knows what it looked like – she seemed to understand who I was and ran away into the back – he and I had almost no time to say anything before he jumped up and followed her. I followed him and I wasn’t angry myself, rather confused and hurt. She was upset – like an early 20s upset. Her world seemed to be crushed and I kept thinking, “What has been going on here?” She ran into the bathroom and he followed her – I let them go and left the place.
Dazed on the sidewalk I moved through other city dwellers to find my way home. Anger found me. I wanted to text him and my phone had four texts waiting for me and one of them was from him – a video. It was them dancing, intimately sharing a drink, being out together. It was hard to watch. I went to the beach to restore my phone’s service and it seemed everything was against me. In the end a wave came and ate my phone. I accepted that my main mode of communication was taken away and I woke up.