preparing for the future

Journey to Healing

Today again my heart was heavy but once I knew I was going to church I knew everything would be alright because god got me. He always has and always will, I’m still learning and that’s the beautiful thing about living. I still have ways to go but I’ve come to the conclusion that today I was officially moving on. I will no longer hold onto nor will I waste anymore energy on anything I can’t change. I’m not perfect but I have a beautiful heart and didn’t deserve what was done to me. I was humiliated, dogged, and mentally abused and that’s not ok. We as Christians have to forgive if we want god to forgive us but that doesn’t mean we have to continue to let ignorant people that have destroyed us keep a place at our table. That’s when letting go comes in. ”He” was my first love but he won’t be my last.. I can accept that now even though it still hurts, but I come to realize that god doesn’t let his children just settle for anything especially when he knows everything that we are capable of. Right now I am meant to focus my attention on building an Empire, not a relationship if that’s what I should even call my over a year experience. And that’s exactly what it was. An experience. I’m deeply sadden that I had to gain this painful experience from someone I have always held close to my heart even if he didn’t know it, I’ve always have loved him and in some way always will. He was my first friend, he made me feel like I was special even when I didn’t and I wish it didn’t have to be this way but that’s how it has to be. He broke me… more than once and I let him because I loved him and trusted him. There’s nothing more heart breaking than a loved one betraying you and continuing to hurt you after staying. I was there when his own family wasn’t and he chose to use me and threw me away when he was finished and it hurts so much. I’ve cried and wondered why did it have to be him of all people but god always has his reasons of how things work out and I have to trust him because nobody loves me like he does and he would never lead me astray. He has bigger and better things in stored for me and he knew that I wouldn’t willing let ”him”  go without a fight, and I didn’t but as you can see god has the last say and ”Tom”  was only destined to be temporarily apart of my journey. My feelings are shredded as I type this but its true. Everyone who comes into our lives isn’t meant to stay no matter how much we want them too. God already chosen my soulmate and I can’t reach him if I’m holding onto old things. Although I’m not fully healed and still very much in pain I have learned a valuable lesson: That destiny is written in stone and no matter how much you try to fight that you are only making things are harder on yourself. Know when to let go and move on. You see deep down I knew this but I chose to ignore what was meant and more so of what I wanted. I wanted to be loved and sadly will admit that I still do, but this was never about ”him.” It was about me not loving myself to know that I deserved the best and that I am special and need to wait on god for what I want and so much more, and honestly right now I’m not ready for that. I still have lots to learn as a person to become the woman that god knows I will be in the future to attain all of that. Being alone right now is only preparing me for what’s to come and I’m scared and excited at the same time.

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