There has seemingly always been a need for SOMETHING to distract my mind.
The need for a distraction. What a horrible thought.
My whole life, I have been seeking distractions from the trauma that I was brought in to.
As I tackle these demons, I can’t help but wonder if parents that are incapable of parenting, are aware of their shortcomings.
I recently had a conversation with my Dad, delving deep in to the abyss of my youth.
What a disaster!
I’m am still reeling from his ignorant suggestion (basically) that it was more important to keep his mother-in-law in the picture, then it was to protect his children from a pedophile.
Protection. Isn’t that one of the most integral sources a parent is supposed to be for their offspring? Any half decent parent would choose to keep their children from harms way, one would think.
Perhaps people ill-suited for the role of ‘parent’ are so far in denial that they can’t even conceptualize the damage they are doing. By the time their tiny human enters the world it’s too late… the child is doomed.
Some would think that an eating disorder is fueled by body dysmorphia, which mine undoubtedly was before being made aware of its ability to draw my attention elsewhere. The time and energy put in to OBSSESSING over food proved to be a great distraction from the demons running amok in my soul.
It became my coping mechanism for nearly half my life, and now I am challenging myself to let go of such a deep rooted part of me.
I am determined to get my weight to a normal range. I want the dizzy spells to stop, and the brain fog to clear. It’s so foreign though… eating enough calories to adequately sustain myself. The part of me that wants to heal feels AMAZING!
But that other part that took comfort and solace in maintaining control, coping through restricting and purging, is screaming at me ‘YOU FUCKING FATTY’, and that stings.
I CAN COPE WITHOUT AN EATING DISORDER.
I can cope without an eating disorder.