Winning is automatic acceptance and losing is the process of denial.

“It’s unfortunate that you were hurt in this situation.” That’s the extent of empathy–if you’d even call it that, in my relationship. 

I don’t know how to write anymore. I used to be good at it at one point in my life. Before smart phones and hand held devices. I just wrote. Wrote until my hand hurt. Now I sit here “typing” on my phone. I miss my heart. I give so much of it to the person with whom I’ve romantically chosen. I guess I feel like it will never truly matter what we write here. Will the people that hurt us or that we let hurt us ever read this stuff and actually seek to understand and repair the broken ones—us?? And if they do, they will take what they want from this, never receiving these words in the way in which we intend. 

Tonight I wonder if I really belonghere. I fantasize about meeting new people and hanging out at new places, cool coffee shops and cafes, different bars, maybe a dance club, maybe in the gay community. I see myself living in a colorful semi run down apartment with my two cats, Frankie and Roosevelt. I say and do ad I please, never cleaning after anyone but myself. I can finally breathe because ibonly depend on myself. No more band rehearsal with the boys who don’t understand me or appreciate me for me. Respect is a rarity. Am I JUST here? I’m getting ready to let go.

Give it all away. Maybe this isn’t my life. Maybe it used to fit but now I’ve outgrown it. How tragic. Becsuse what comes next will turn worlds upside down. 

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