A New Beginning

It has been rough these past few month for me.  So many changes in my life has made me take a deep look at myself.  I don’t like who I am today.  It has taken me many years to get here, 43 to be exact.  I wish I could say they were long years but looking back the years feel like everything just happened yesterday.  I have an excellent memory, not always the best thing to have.  It is like my past is trying to hook me to yesterday.  So now I am faced with the future but trying to forget my past.  

I have made poor choices in my life which have brought me more pain and disappointment than the joy I keep kidding myself about.  Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all pain but that is what I can’t shake when I take a jot down memory lane.  

This week I have decided to be honest with myself.  It was time I faced my future and made it mine.  Stop hiding behind the walls I have built up to kid myself I am happy.  I have a person inside of me that is being swallowed up but this shell of the person starring at me in the mirror. 

Today when I was trying to find a picture to put on this page I realized in 90% of the pictures of me are pieces of me.  I hide before anything and everything in any picture when I am aware it is being taken of me.  This way I don’t have to see what I actually look like. I don’t have mirrors in my house either.  What ashame!!! I use to be very pretty.  I plan on getting there again.  As I look at these pictures of me it makes me believe I am in the back ground.  Why have I lived my life in the background of others. ( this is another subject I must revisit).  So depression of the feeling of my being good enough has made me rethink my life.  

In 2016 I have goals. 

  1. Find my God
  2. Go to the doctor to get back on meds
  3. get active – limit myself to resting time
  4. sleep more at night ( shoot for 7 hrs a night)
  5. start a weight loss program
  6. let go of ones I love but don’t love me in return
  8. get my passport
  9. sew a full size quilt
  10. Learn to love thy self like I love undeserving others.
  11. Get out of debit

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