It has been rough these past few month for me. So many changes in my life has made me take a deep look at myself. I don’t like who I am today. It has taken me many years to get here, 43 to be exact. I wish I could say they were long years but looking back the years feel like everything just happened yesterday. I have an excellent memory, not always the best thing to have. It is like my past is trying to hook me to yesterday. So now I am faced with the future but trying to forget my past.
I have made poor choices in my life which have brought me more pain and disappointment than the joy I keep kidding myself about. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all pain but that is what I can’t shake when I take a jot down memory lane.
This week I have decided to be honest with myself. It was time I faced my future and made it mine. Stop hiding behind the walls I have built up to kid myself I am happy. I have a person inside of me that is being swallowed up but this shell of the person starring at me in the mirror.
Today when I was trying to find a picture to put on this page I realized in 90% of the pictures of me are pieces of me. I hide before anything and everything in any picture when I am aware it is being taken of me. This way I don’t have to see what I actually look like. I don’t have mirrors in my house either. What ashame!!! I use to be very pretty. I plan on getting there again. As I look at these pictures of me it makes me believe I am in the back ground. Why have I lived my life in the background of others. ( this is another subject I must revisit). So depression of the feeling of my being good enough has made me rethink my life.
In 2016 I have goals.
- Find my God
- Go to the doctor to get back on meds
- get active – limit myself to resting time
- sleep more at night ( shoot for 7 hrs a night)
- start a weight loss program
- let go of ones I love but don’t love me in return
- KNOW I AM WORTH MORE
- get my passport
- sew a full size quilt
- Learn to love thy self like I love undeserving others.
- Get out of debit