Realization

What triggered my depression this time 

my mom trying to hit me with her car screaming she hopes I get raped and I just feel like no one really cares or maybe I didn’t handle it good enough. It’s stuff like this that make me pissed at my dad for leaving because we didn’t have money. 

My grandma made my dad leave because we didn’t have any money 

my aunt and my cousin are mad at me for never talking to them but like they stopped talking to me. They are so fake because if my mom and I were not poor then there would be no issue and money is always a defining thing in a family and relationship to them

im mad because Nevilla made me feel ashamed for being poor and like it wasn’t a big deal meanwhile my mom is asking neighbors for money and making trips to the social security office. And always crying about this shit.

i feel like no one actually cares about me and cares about my situation and everyone treats me and acts like they can talk to me any sort of way

my friends don’t seem to really have my best interest at heart.

i just feel so alone. I know things are gonna change but I feel like I’m thrown to such petty and isolating situations as if I’m not worth being part of something that loves me for me or treats me like I’m valued. I feel like I’m being struck at 8 different angles.

for this, Im not treating my friend right. Im irritable and irrational. I am acting like an asshole. Making up shit that I feel subconsciously but has nothing to do with her and is just said and done at the moment and I wanna be around her but it’s almost like i shouldn’t because I’m not in a good place. And I just feel like she cares but thinks i should get over it because it doesn’t matter. But the shit truly makes me second guess my whole worth and meaning in life and makes me suicidal. Even though those people aren’t normal and I’m supposed to keep it together it’s hard cause my mom isn’t even there for me and neither is my dad so it’s not fair to not have the most basic permanent support but I’m still supposed to be whip lashed by all this shit, keep it together, and maintain a healthy state of mind. How do i do that without going nuts? And pushing my closest friend away? 

 

 

 

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