I think I have Stockholm syndrome.
I came to conclusion over spending the last three weeks crying conflicted why I feel the way I do. I am embarrassed and ashamed because I always thought Love was freeing, but it isn’t.
When you’re rape, your suppose to feel like a victim right? You’re supposed to hate who did it to you.
I can’t even do that right. I feel like it’s my fault, everyone says it’s not but that isn’t how I feel. I tried really hard, to keep it together but I don’t think I can. Everything been falling apart and I can’t tell anyone what is going on in my head the way I want to. My grades are shit, I lost my spot on the wrestling team, and I never want to leave my room. This happened two years so why does it hurt more now?
Is it because I had the surgeries? Why couldn’t I have surgery for something else, than I could of went on not having to acknowledge that night. It was easy to pretend it never happened. I didn’t want to be one of those people who wanted justice, I just wanted to be love and feel safe and accepted. I just wanted to feel like I was good enough even if it rip me apart on the inside. I just wanted everything to be perfect.
I hate myself.
I feel worse about it now than then. Why is it? Is it because everyone knows and I can’t bottle it up. It’s my fault too, I didn’t have to tell some people but it felt better to talk about it. But I still felt the need to hurt myself, I just wanted it all to go away.
It did for everyone else.
I am still dealing with it. I feel like a part of me died. I just don’t feel right. I feel disgusting and I hate looking in the mirror because I see every flaw and mistake.
I think I have Stockholm Syndrome.
I still love him and feels like a dead skunk’s ass in my face. Just suffocating. What’s wrong with me? Someone told me it’s not love but lust because I want more. But then why do associate sex with BDSM and pain and porn and themes and not…Love. I mean love is different but sex is just…Why do people voluntarily do it? It’s not enjoyable at all. Even before what happened, happened I still dislike it. It just was weird my body wanted it but my mind was far from an orgasm.
I’ve never had an orgasm during sex.
Is love meant to be this way? Compromise over your own sense of mind for the affection of another. I feel empathetic to him like this is all my fault. But he’s got to move on and I am still stuck in this dark depth with no path or light.
I hate myself. I am so pathetic.
I still have feelings, I still feel things, and I still think of him. Is that wrong? I feel like it is. I feel like every move I make…Is wrong. I just want to be perfect for once.
I feel more care for him now then before. I see more beauty in him than before. I see more love in him than destruction. Is my view blurry? I don’t think what I am seeing is real. I just want to disappear from the World.
I don’t have anything. I have no license. I probably won’t go to school. I have no money. No future. No wrestling. No life. No boyfriend. No true friends. No love. No confidence. No anything.
That might sound like miscellaneous things that seem important to a teenager. But they were th pillars that made me life comfortable. That made me feel stably and like nothing could get to bad. They made me feel familiar. Now nothing is and everyone isn’t.