Number 1

I don’t really know what to say. I feel like I just need to start to track my thoughts and how I am feeling in an easy way. I think I feel pretty good and normal, but there is some serious anxiety happening randomly. And I would say that it is pretty bad. Im acutally not sure how severe it is. It just feels bad because I dont think I have ever had anxiety. I wonder if I have OCD or some type of planning disorder. I am on this break you know and like I have to have a schedule and when I dont I literally dont know what to do with myself. Like my intire life is planned out. Is that weird? Does everyone do that? The weirdest thing about the anxiety is that I literally have nothing going on in my life. I live the best life ever. I dont have a real 9-5 job. I decide when I work, how much time I put in. And i basically just chill. Yea I get paid like shit but at least I make something. And then I just chill with the pup and clean the house. Oh and watch tv and go shopping. Like what do I have to be upset over. I have always wanted this life and now that I have it, I still feel shitty. Well not shitty but not super happy. And I try to find solutions to my problems and read books but its like its not sinking in you know. I feel like I am just detached from the real world. Everyone else is in their own little bubble and I am just here floating around, happily by myself. But am I really happy? I honestly dont know. Ok so let me try to put this in words. I like the idea of having friends and having a best friend and doing fun things. But then when it comes down to it all I can think about is going to my house, playing with my dog and missing my boyfriend. And I can honestly say being alone never makes me feel lonely. Like I am alone all night and most of the day 5 days a week and I never think hmmmmm I wish I had someone with me right now. I dont know. Tomorrow I have therapy and I am going to just try to let it all come out as best as I can. I think I think too much. Hopefully she will help.

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