As 2015 comes to an end, I realize that I’m not going to be able to leave behind what all has occurred. I can’t just start over. I am going to be carrying this with me. I need to learn to forgive myself but how?
August 24, 2014, the day I met him. I was at a training course that I had to attend for a new job I had just started the month before. He was cocky, full of himself on so many levels and he was a bad boy. What happens when a good girl meets a bad boy? Infatuation. He was different though. There was something in him that lit a fire in me. Imagine my surprise when I noticed the giddy feeling creeping up on me (you know the one that makes you smile like an idiot and laugh way too loud, yep, that one!). This is ridiculous is all I could think. I’m married, we’re married. I had to get a hold of myself. It’s a test, one of lifes silly little tests. One that I go on to fail miserably.
Fast forward a couple months. My boss called me and asked me to fill in a shift at another program, the program that Damon worked. I assumed it was him that had called in and quickly obliged. I pulled on to the road the house was on to find his silver little car with out of state tags parked in the driveway. That 8 hour shift went by all to quickly. I had never laughed so hard in my life. He turned out to actually be a great guy with a great sense of humor. He made me feel good about myself. We exchanged numbers and began texting. With all the down time at work ( in home health there’s a lot of down time) and as much as I worked, we talked from morning until night. I began to fall for him and hard. This went on for couple months. One night he asked if he could show me this beautiful little spot that he went to to go fishing. He promised me a million stars that night. I agreed and met him after work to follow him out there. It was beautiful, the sounds of nature in the background, the black sky with stars as far as you can see. I stood leaned up against my car looking up at the sight when I felt his hand on my cheek. I didnt realize I was crying. He knew how I was feeling, for once I didn’t have to say anything. He just whispered that everything was going to be ok. I kissed him. I made the first move. I wanted so much more from him then just the brush of his hand on my cheek. We made love that night.
I drove home in tears. I couldnt beleive what I just did. I got home and sat in my driveway bawling. I got out and went in my house to find my husband on his game system. He looked up long enough to asked me what was wrong. I told him I was tired, I don’t even think he heard that, he just told me “oh that’s good” I laid down on the bed next him and fell asleep. That was it.
5 and 1\2 months later, Damon and I became really close. I felt like I was on top of the world. I was exceeding in my job, I now had my own program and I was working close to 100 hours a week. My marriage was seemingly gone. My husband and I were now strangers. The only contact we had was about who paid what bills and when are the next due.
February 20, 2015 I texted Damon and told him we needed to talk. We met at a friend of mines house and went in. She wasn’t home at the time but had given me a key in case the weather got to bad and I couldn’t make it home. I told him I wanted to end what we had. I was going to ask my husband for a divorce and I didn’t want to feel like he had anything to do with my decision. He asked to make love to me one last time.
February 26th, my husband had called me during a trip to my clients appointment and told me that a woman had messaged him on Facebook and told him that they seen me in public with another man. I was shocked. Not at the accusations (ok a little bit because we never went out in public together) but more at the fact at how he didn’t really seem all that concerned. It was like he was asking me what I wanted for dinner. I asked him if he could wait until I got home that evening and we could talk. I told him everything that night. I felt like I had been hit by a train. His reaction was nothing like I thought it would be based off of how he reacted when he had called earlier that day. He was hurt, he looked crushed. There is no way to describe the look on his face when my final sentenced was said. I wanted a divorce, I was done. He left, I laid on my bed bawling, thinking of how I have failed him. How I have failed our daughter that no longer knew me because of my absences. Did I really want him gone? Did I really want to throw away the 5 years of my life that I had whole heartedly invested? I was so happy before, WE were so happy before. Before what? Before we let our flame die. Before I love you wasn’t just something to say because there was nothing else to say. Before we stopped all physical touching because we were just to tired or didn’t have time. I just laid there, thinking of everything that was so right before everything became wrong. He came back. He just wanted to talk to me. He wanted me to know that all of this was my decision, he wanted to stay. He wantes to try and salvage what we once had. I remember being so confused. I didnt know what I wanted. That’s all I could tell him.
Over the next couple weeks, things kind of fell back into the place they were before. I felt happier. I was loving my husband again, I was looking forward to coming home. I missed Damon tremendously but i was determined to stay away in hopes I could figure out what I wanted.
March 10, 2015 Damon called and asked me to come see him, I don’t know why but I did. I told him my plans, I told him I wanted to stay with my husband and figure everything out. He gave me the same look my husband gave me when I asked him for a divorce. He begged me to stay with him, just one more night. He told me he left his wife, she moved out two days before. He wanted me. I left. I didn’t know how much more I could take without breaking and giving in. I couldnt give up on my marriage. That was the last time I seen Damon.
April 1st, 2015. CONGRATULATIONS! You’re pregnant! Not you, me. That’s the reaction I got from a co worker after peeing on a piss test just for the hell of it. Ha ha APRIL FOOLS! No really Sam, you’re pregnant! I looked at the digital blue and there it was in little black letters about an inch long, the word pregnant. This couldn’t be right, surely not. I bought these on clearance for an April fools joke for my coworker. Not for me. Not to find out I was pregnant. These were defective, that’s why they’re on clearance. I rushed to Walmart, bought four more tests, came back and sure as shit, plus signs and little black lettered pregnant. I took off work early and headed to a nearby park and called Damon. The first time I have spoke to him in a while and I told him. His first thought was of course, April fools, but I assured him it wasnt. He told me if the baby was his, that’s his son and he’ll be there for us both. I came home that night and told my husband. There was that look again. He was crushed. He knew the baby wasn’t his.
Aprill 11, 2015. I had my first ultrasound. The baby measured 7 weeks. My estimated day I conceived, Feb 19.