One of my resolutions this year is to write more. Write honestly; write passionately; unforgivably. Write anything at all, so long as I do so. Ideally, every day, even if it’s not particularly creative in nature.
I’m running on barely any sleep. The new year helped open my eyes to a very unhealthy relationship in my life, you see. One that went on 15 year (off and on, granted) too long. One I kept crawling back to, despite the appalling amount and frequency of warning signs. I suppose that’s what happens when you’re an addict though.
An addict — that’s right. That’s never something I thought I would label myself as. I have never had problems with drugs, alcohol, gambling, or any other more commonplace addictions; however, the more I have read about love addiction, the more certain I am that that’s what this was, and debatably still is.
I won’t bother going into too much detail about how it all began, or even how it all ended earlier this morning. I could quite literally write a novel on the subject. I will say, however, that I am fairly certain that this addiction is family of origin-based and stems from paternal abandonment and abuse issues from when I was younger.
“But you’re married. To someone who is such a positive, supportive influence and the exact opposite of what you encountered when you were younger. What’s the deal?”
I know. Trust me, I know. I’ve been asking myself the same fucking question for years. I’m not sure if there’s an answer to that or not, and to be frank, I’m not sure if it’s even relevant anymore. The fact of the matter is that despite years of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I still have a long ways to go when it comes to being a better, more stable individual. While this all likely stemmed from the family of origin shit I mentioned earlier, it doesn’t mean that it’s an excuse to play the role of martyr, or be exempt from diligently continuing to work on myself and how I react to situations.
Just to be clear, there was never any sexual element to this addiction and I wasn’t cheating on my husband (I was, however, neglecting my marriage due to it). In fact, we live across the country from each other and after all these years, haven’t even met face to face. They were an old online friend.
I plan on attending S.L.A.A. (Sex & Love Addiction Anonymous) meetings with a friend of mine in town who is going through something somewhat similar to what I am; however, the woman he is addicted to A) isn’t abusive, and B) resides locally. They also have also had sexual relations. I hope he can find the strength to let her go.
Together, I hope we can help each other break the cycle.