So it is two days into this year and nothing has changed. It is serious to expect people to be one person one day and then totally change the next. I wish I could be a person like that. I mean my body and my weight drive me crazy on the daily. I think I have the right plan to make some changes, I just have to give up the shit foods that I love. I know by July I will be looking a lot better and stuff for the wedding. Thank god its not my wedding. I also went to the therapist. I dont think she thinks I have serious issues and im starting to think I really dont either. I think what I need is a life coach. And she is damn good at that. Its like she has solutions to every problem and knows exactly what I need to do to keep things going on in my life. Damn, I wish I could be like her. Well at least I have a role model right. And then last night I had the weirdest dream where I was back at the clinic with all of my old supervisors. I know I have been hiding and not wanting to be around these people for almost a year. Honestly, part of it has to do with how I view myself. Like I dont want to look like shit and see these people who think I am so awesome. And then they see me 6 months later and are like damn what the fuck happened to her. Well at least I am doing something about it now. I bought this workbook that is suppose to be basically a CBT helper thingy. So its like a planner but it pushes you to like tear apart your day and really encourages like gratitude and positive thinking. I honestly cant wait for it to get here. I love workbooks and it just gives off energy like this is something that I will enjoy doing. And I am in the process of finishing a book about how to clean eat. Its like duhhhh this all makes sense, dont eat shit. But then I get it, its like a science. You have to eat certain foods together and some are better than others. Like hello you cant just eat grapes and expect to be healthy and full all the time. So I am going to be a clean eater and get rid of all of the shit that is in my body. And work out. And use my amazing elliptical. And drink more water. You know when I write that shit out, it doesnt seem like anything. And as I am writing, I feel like tingling inside, I think that is happiness. I just want to be stress free, anxiety free and happy. I think I am actually taking steps to make this happen. Damn. I am awesome. 

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