As I sit here alone, well I guess not exactly alone I have Sam the best dog ever (whom without I am almost positive I would not be here to write this entry) I am overwhelmed with memories of the past which have caused me to be plagued with self doubt and loathing. I have come so far since April 27, 2014 but never far enough it seems. I take one step forward and what appears to be ten steps back. I remember every vivid detail of that weekend as if it has been branded into my brain. I am tormented by the whys, what ifs and why mes, the how could his heart turn from love to murder. I recently had someone from my past (whom I know I also need to let go but that would be the last person that links me to my old life and it seems like I just can’t do it yet) asked me why I still think about that situation and why am I still grieving for the loss of my dad (for Christ sake it has been almost a year) his words not mine and I ask myself am I holding on to something I should be able to let go of. Should these things be easy to forget? I have an apartment, vehicle, job and wonderful grown daughter and dog yet all I can feel is the loneliness that surrounds me no matter how many people are around me. I sit at home and long to have someone to share my thoughts, and life with yet it seems that will never happen. How do I let someone in my life when I can’t trust them? Why did I allow that person from the past to pull me in his web of deceit yet again? I know why because I wanted so much to feel needed, wanted and loved but I have to remember that I can not settle and lose everything I have worked so hard for in order to obtain. Relocating to a new place with no one is more difficult than I ever expected it to be but what choice did I have. I went out for the first time NYE 2015 only to have an overwhelming feel of dread and fear. I was so out of my element and nervous for people to touch me that my skin literally crawled. No one seems to understand the pain and confusion that I feel on a daily basis. Today all I wanted to do was just stay in the bed and never face the harsh reality of being alone another day. The only thing that seems to numb the pain at all is alcohol which I know is not a permanent solution but only a temporary mask that in less than 24 hours will disappear and this torment will start all over again. What do I do to make this better? I thought that losing weight, trying to get out of the house more and making an effort to look good would help but nothing seems to make the pain go away. My anxiety is at an all time high. I did not want to go into 2016 the same as I was leaving 2015 but it seems inevitable. The struggle is more real than I want to admit and I try to keep it hidden with a smile on face but as of late I just don’t think that is possible anymore. I need guidance but I am just not sure I know which way to turn for that. I am hoping that writing these thoughts down will at least help me so that I don’t keep them bottled up. Right now I feel like I am suffocating. Is it to much to ask to have someone to spend time with.. Right now I guess the answer to that is yes. I just wish people understood what it is like to spend your life in loneliness. I enjoy being alone most of the time but not the loneliness that envelopes me like a shroud of death. So much in my head that this is just a bunch of rambling but maybe it will help as the days go by.