“Friendships, are they even possible?”

I’ve always had trouble making friends.  I have always stayed clear to socializing or striking up pointless, dead conversations . I don’t confide in many people at all. I keep to myself. I’ve always seen most “friendships” as temporary, even school, so I didn’t even bother to attach myself. If I call you a friend, it actually means a lot. Sometimes, I hope that maybe I’ll actually make a lasting friendship that doesn’t result in backstabbing or the person changing to someone completely different then who you thought they were. I don’t follow nor do I lead. So, I’m constantly stuck in the middle. When I was in school, every free time I had I spent in the library. After school, I worked. And now out of school, I stick to the comfortability of my own home or spend it with my brother, boyfriend, grandma, or other family members. And I work. Which, I’m not complaining, because I like my need to be a hermit. But, sometimes I think maybe just one friend, just one who I can trust. But I don’t trust many people my age, they are so backwards.. It is so hard for me to open up or get close to someone. People tell me to make memories. But solitude is my comfort zone, I feel at peace when I don’t have to depend so much on someone. The last person I leaned on complete and utterly changed who – I thought – they were. I’m so head strong about my values and morals, I stayed clear and pushed away. I don’t follow, and if I think its wrong I don’t accept it in my life. I guess, that’s the problem, so many people my age looking for someone to follow. AND I CANT. But it would be nice, to at most have that one friendship that brought the best out in me, that I could confide in. To feel comfortable with. But I observe, and most people are so sneaky and conniving. They’ll be one person to you and another to someone else. I guess, all I want in a friendship is security in it. Yet, it seems like one in a million.  I just want to see that there are “friendships” that actually matter something. That they are even possible to have and obtain. JUST ONE. I don’t want a whole handful, just one. But I guess in a world like this these days, its a shot in the dark.

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