2015. The weightloss/hurts/encouragement

 Change isn’t always easy but if you don’t like your situation or circumstances do something about it and CHange them. That’s what 2015 was about for me. In 2014 I weighed over 230lbs, I didn’t like what I looked liked but more importantly I didn’t like who I had become. I had almost zero self worth, no confidence. I had started to lose joy in things that use to excite me, and I was starting to see the negative effects my weight was having on my health. I started a journey to better myself. Into 2015 I had lost over 75lbs but yet I still struggled with self image.

I was still disgusted when I looked in the mirror and constantly was putting myself down. It was then I realized I had to learn how to love me for me.. I needed to learn to be proud of who I am even with all my flaws, but doing something about the things I could. It’s like the serenity prayer says “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”.
I started to make a effort everyday to not put myself down. To stop comparing myself to other woman(this is one of my greatest struggles). Everyone time I thought about where I fall short, I tried to turn it around into something good. Sometimes it gets a little twisted. I try to figure out what good comes from some of my weakness. I think “your greatest weakness can also be your greatest strength”. To get a bit off topic, but to give an example. If I really soul search- my biggest struggle? The past. I can’t change the past. Which most of you know, my family has had a hard time with deaths. 2003 we lost Matt, 2008 Stephen, and 2014 Chad. This is what I consider to be my greatest weakness. Living everyday in constant fear of loosing another loved one. Dealing with the depression and anxiety that living in fear causes. The everyday struggle of not letting guilt and regret take over my mind. It’s all too easy to stay in a bad place after tragic events. It’s sooo much harder to try and look for the “good”(even saying that word associated with death makes me want to vomit). But I Cannot change the past, I have to learn to accept it, so what are my choices? Live in constant fear, anger, and negativity or choose joy. Because of my hardships, I try to make each relationship count. I spend more time with children and husband because I know in a blink of an eye things can be different. I try to be a better person because I have lost loved ones. Because of my greatest weakness it is one of my strengths because I don’t take each day for granite. I have more courage and will to change the things I can because I don’t know how long I have here.

So what could I change? I was still unhappy with my physical appearance and the amount of saggy skin left over from the weight loss. Getting plastic surgery is a very personal decision as it’s not for everybody. I had a hard time making that choice as there was a lot of risks and Financial issues that goes with getting plastic surgery. I ultimately decided to get it. I have absolutely zero regrets ab having the surgery.

Something else that I wanted to do was have the opportunity to renew my vows with my husband and celebrate our love with our family and friends. So after 7years of marriage, 100lbs weight loss, plastic surgery, in September 2015, I put on the wedding dress originally planned for our wedding, and we renewed our vows in the presence of our closest loved ones. I honestly did not know how much this event was going to heal and bless me until it took place. What most don’t know is weeks before the event, I wanted to cancel it. Having lost Stephen the night before our original wedding date(11/1/2008) I felt guilty for wanting “our moment”. I let that same depression and anxiety take over and felt I did not deserve happiness, I did not deserve to have that moment. Luckily I’ve got some great people in my life who didn’t let me cancel it. Having that moment with my husband, children, and family was one of the most amazing days of my life. That day was a day of celebrating love on every level. Celebrating the love of a marriage and the love of family.

So how’s my mind set ending 2015? Well, there’s still a whole lot I don’t like about myself. But I’m accepting the things I can’t change and changing the things i can.

Seeing so many New Years post about loosing weight… I encourage you to do it, if you are unhappy with your body..change it, but also know you are special at any size. Believe in yourself and know you are worth it! The number on the scale doesn’t determine your happiness, your perspective determines your happiness. Loving yourself starts from the inside, and regardless of the number, If you love yourself, you are beautiful! 

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