Broken, Shattered, Worthless.

Fix the broken pieces, right ? 

Today is only day 3 of 366, and I can already feel like someone has just completely taken me and broke me. The day started off great, meeting Jasper-Lynn and Wesley’s son, but then with the rainbow always comes the storm. 

My friend Erica sent me a text letting me know that some sketchy things were going down between my boyfriend and another girl at my school. Naturally, I freaked out, but assumed the best because the man that I love loves me, or so I thought. When confronted with the situation, immediate anger came from Kaden. It wasn’t an anger of the girl who would start such issues between us, but rather anger towards me, someone who literally was innocent within all of it. Kaden immediately wanted to be done with the conversation, but I wasn’t coming to him to accuse him of anything, but rather figure out where people were getting confused. My heart sank when he said, “If this happens again I am done.” I knew what he meant, I mean we all know what that means, but I don’t think any part of me wanted to believe it. I immediately broke down in the parking lot of McDonalds and I couldn’t even say anything but “Do you know what you just said?” I think of all of the fights that Kaden and I have had and the few times that I have even used that phrase, it literally cuts like a dagger. Someone who you love, who you have envisioned a future with, is willing to throw all that away because of anger. And I guess it’s true, anger is the most powerful emotion… It blocks out all reality, all feelings, and takes things to a place they should never be; and that’s where Kaden is tonight. After talking for a long time, Kaden made it clear that he does love me and does want to be with me, but he isn’t willing to fight for it. I find myself questioning why I am in this relationship. Is love enough? 

The thing is, is that love isn’t enough. You can love hundreds of thousands of people, but you choose to make it work with the person you desire to be with. I would do anything for Kaden, I love him, but tonight he has made it clear that I am not worth fighting for. I am not worth answering my questions, I am not worth staying with when the going gets tough. But I have known that, my entire life I have known that, but for awhile, he made that change. I find myself in tears because I love him, and literally I thought he was the one. But now, I am not sure. The funny thing is, is that couples go through this all the time. I am sure we will make it through it, but I don’t know how relationships can go through this and get “stronger”. If anything, I think this is the kind of stuff that brings back my demons of depression and anxiety, of suicide and self pain, but I can’t. I can’t allow someone to walk into my life that I would do anything for, and allow me to hurt without doing something to make me happy. The biggest issue that we face is that we think life is going to be easy. Hell no, life isn’t easy. It isn’t rainbows and gum drops, but it has ups, it has good times. When times get rough we can’t fucking walk away, we have to deal with things. And the reality of things. 

My story continues to be a hard journey, and the funny thing is, I have never felt more alone in my life. When your best friend questions everything, things get a little grey… Hopefully my pieces were just in a rough part of the roller coaster, and hopefully, we get through this. We can overcome. I know it. 

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