Its after Midnight and my home is quiet. Even my dog has tucked herself up (in my bed I should say) and put herself to sleep.
Writing things down is meant to be a therapeutic thing for me. The hope is that the more I write and can see things in front of me , the more I will be able to let go and hopefully sleep.
I find sleep is something that often alludes me. When something sticks to me , it is well and truly stuck in y mind and no matter what I do I cant seem to escape it. I am awake sometimes for hours and only fall asleep from sheer exhaustion. This is unhealthy on so many levels and while I know that, I cant seem to change it. I have to .
I kept thinking that once the clock strikes 12 and it became 2016 I would suddenly have a huge wave of emotions rush through me ad I would be over 2015 and magically have a clean slate. Its been 3 days and that doesn’t seem to be the case. I haven’t managed to change 1 habit. Not one.
Everyone keeps saying resolutions are pointless yet every year I make them and every year I break them. Surely I cant be the only one who does this and feels like a failure each and every year? I have so many habits I want to break, so any small goals I want to achieve and while thinking about them I should be pumped but instead I’m sitting here trying to hold back tears. What the hell is wrong with me????
Writing should make things at least feel better. My mind is running 1000 miles an hour and one part of me wants to break down and spill my guts and the other is closed off and guarded and isn’t ready to spill that much.
Things need to change. My environments need to change. My mind set needs to change. My eating habits need to change. I cant have another year like last year. I just cant. I almost had a complete break down last year complete with depression, anxiety attacks and medication. I struggled at work, I had to take a leave from university and it affected my home and to some extent I’m still recovering. I don’t want to go through that again. I cant go through that again and I cant put my family through that again. But what can I change??
I need to work because we are not a wealthy family. We require 2 incomes. I cant drop out of school. I worked too hard to get this far and cant walk away. So what do I do? I feel stuck. Trapped almost. BUt from the outside I’m not. From the outside I have a great life but why doesn’t it feel that way? I used to think I was a superhero and could do it all. Last year proved I cant. Something has to give… but what?