6 years, 3 kids, Im gay???

First thing first…you have to know what has been happening in my life to understand what I’ve been going through. I was married for 3 years. Been together with this man for 6 years. Had 3 beautiful kids by him. Well 2 boys and a baby girl in the oven. Yup still baking. Almost about to pop though. My life was pretty good. I was pretty happy though I do have some issues. I wanted to try and break them this year but things happened…like pregnancy. I couldn’t do much anymore. No bars. No adulty things. I have been fighting to get alone time with my hubby for a while now. I wanted to feel wanted. I wasn’t feeling like that for a bit. Little did I know. . . I wasn’t. I should have stuck with my intuition several times but that’s going to be a part of my journal for a little later. Just to speed things up. Nov, 27th, 2015 we went out on a date night. He decided to break our marriage and tell me that he is gay….Yes. Gay. 6 years….3 kids together. I know you’re probably asking a billion questions right now. It’s a mind blown thing. I knew he had an attraction for men and I wanted to allow some compromises in the marriage the problem is he became selfish. Very selfish. I became pregnant in the midst of this so it wasn’t really anything I can do to be there with experimentation. Yes allowing another man in the relationship yet…I blew up and gain a lot of weight in this pregnancy and I wasn’t his thing anymore. I told him to wait for after the pregnancy however….turns out throughout our marriage he has had several affairs with men. I’ve caught him time and time again but he always made some excuses. I didn’t find out the truth until recently. Mind you I am pregnant. I was also going to school at the time as well. We were supposed to go into something together. To try and develop a triad relationship but he didn’t wait. Of course it doesn’t help when he would say things like,” No man is going to want to be in this relationship, you’re fat and a slob.” Mind you I AM PREGNANT. Weight gain is something that happens and unfortunately we can’t control where it goes. If I could have it all go straight to my butt and my boobs well hey I would of. Instead he went off on his own. It became like a drug to him. He first went to a gay bar with a friend. Then it became a daily thing. He started to drink more. He started a bad habit of smoking. He is spending less time with the kids and I. Mind you I am broken up with him. He started the single life fairly quickly. While I’ve been over here broken hearted. I know he is hurt in a way but he has a weird way of showing it. At least that’s what he tells me. He puts me through some confusing signals too. He wants me. Then he doesn’t want me. Then he wants me. He still calls me baby. He still gives me kisses. We are still living together. Which is so hard to do mind you. I was told by the therapist that I am suffering from PTSD. I keep getting flash backs of us. This experience has been rather rough. The timing was just crazy too. I didn’t even enjoy Christmas this year. He told me around the same time I found out that my parents are suffering from cancer. I was also doing school which may I add I ended up with a D in one of my classes and my BOMBED all my final exams because well broken hearted. I really had an emotional tie with this man but it was like as soon as I got pregnant things started to change. I keep hearing people say maybe things will be different after the pregnancy. Maybe he will come around. Or like his mom has done to me several times. He said he is going to work on the marriage…then she goes on to asking questions about what has he been doing. Have you guys talked about it? I honestly think he only told her that so she can stop biting his head off. To be honest. I don’t know what I want anymore. I was going to school but now that this happened I just want to work on my fitness. Though I can’t because I am a high risk pregnant woman. So I’m feeling pretty stuck. Pretty lonely and pretty stuck. I do have my baby soon though. I don’t even feel excited about her birth. Which is horrible to say. Yes Pre partum depression and I’m pretty sure I’m going to have post partum depression. I just want to be happy and smile again but things don’t feel right when I smile because there is something missing. We had a good relationship. I have so much more to write however I need to go for now. SO MUCH MORE TO COME.


One thought on “6 years, 3 kids, Im gay???”

  1. I can’t say I know exactly what you are going through. I am not married but I have been in a “weird” relationship for a guy for 25 years. Yes I said 25 years. We don’t have any kids. We have been the closest friends and “buddies” during this time. Always knowing he loved me but never “in love” with me. We always talked about it and he just said he didn’t believe in that kind of fairy tale. He was living with me for a while maybe 2 years. We have lived together most of the 25 years. But suddenly he started staying out all night and sleeping all day. Missing days of work, I felt like if you can miss work then you have enough money to support yourself. So I asked him to leave. During that time the person he was staying with had a young later 23 years old staying there too. Yep you guessed it. He is in love. Head over heals in love to hear him talk about it. I am going thru my own stuff at the moment and on Christmas day I was told he is trying to get on with his life and does’t have time to my issues. He can’t explain to her that he needs to take a private conversation. REALLY- well something happened at their place so he is sleeping here until they get their own place. I am tying to be the better person. He avoids being here when I am here most of the time. But it hurts. It would be easier if he just drifted out of my life. I don’t want to know when they are going to eat, or hang out. I definitely don’t want to hear “I love you” at the end of their conversation. I am letting him go and working on myself for me. The sooner I let him go I can make room for what I deserve. I keep telling myself “I am Worth more” I wish you well and I hope you find what is best for you and the kids. I can only imagine going thru this pregnant. I do know the journal has helped me out.

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